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Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri...maaf saya blogger baru kalau ada yang tersilap sudilah dimaafkan....
~~wati~~
Saturday, September 11, 2010
How to Be More Positive in Life
Is your life filled with negative thoughts and ideas? Are you fed up of losing out in life? If so you need to make some changes and fast. By turning your negative thoughts into positive thoughts you can make the change. By focusing on the positives you will have more success in life and in everything that you do.
You may not even be aware of the amount of negativity that seeps into your life on a daily basis. It comes from TV, from people who interact with and from the voice inside your own head.
The first step in replacing the negatives is to actually become aware of them. Listen to what you are saying. Is it negative or positive? When you find yourself saying negative things, stop, and turn them around into something positive if you can. It is your choice how you see things in life so why not choose to see only the positives. You will be surprised at what it can do.
You should start by cutting down on the amount of news you watch and listen to. Nearly everything on the news today is negative so why are you allowing this negativity into your life? If you watch the news first thing everyday you are starting you day on a negative vibration. Why start the day off badly when you don't have to?
You can try replacing the news with uplifting music or watching something positive and uplifting on the TV. Reading books is another great way to help you absorb positive information. Look for success stories if you want to make a change in your business life. Just by reading their successes you will start to feel more empowered and positive and you will start to take action.
Another way to remove negativity from your life is to limit the amount of TV you watch. Even if you are not engrossed in the program you are watching your subconscious mind will be taking in the messages.
If there are a lot of negative people in your life this is going to be a problem. You should remove them from your life because you don't need them. This is easier said than done but try to at least limit the time you spend with these people. Find positive people to interact with so that you feel good. If your partner is generally negative your positivity will rub off so stay upbeat when you are around them and try not to let them bring you down.
The last and probably the most important place to look when it come to negativity is to yourself. Most of us, although we don't realize it, generate negative self talk all day long. The mind accepts these thoughts as truths so you need to watch what you are saying about yourself and your life. You need to start focusing on the positive aspects of you. What do you like about yourself? What are the things you are most proud of?
You can use visualization and affirmations to help with positivity. Give yourself credit for all the things you do right each day and try not to focus on any of the negative things that may have occurred. End your day by taking the time to list five positive things that happened. You will be surprised at how this affects your sleep and your mood the next morning.
By replacing the negatives in your life with positives you will not only make yourself feel better but you will make your life better too. You will start to focus on the good things and by placing your attention on these you will be drawing more good things into your life. This is how the Law of Attraction works and by being positive you can make it work for you.
You may not even be aware of the amount of negativity that seeps into your life on a daily basis. It comes from TV, from people who interact with and from the voice inside your own head.
The first step in replacing the negatives is to actually become aware of them. Listen to what you are saying. Is it negative or positive? When you find yourself saying negative things, stop, and turn them around into something positive if you can. It is your choice how you see things in life so why not choose to see only the positives. You will be surprised at what it can do.
You should start by cutting down on the amount of news you watch and listen to. Nearly everything on the news today is negative so why are you allowing this negativity into your life? If you watch the news first thing everyday you are starting you day on a negative vibration. Why start the day off badly when you don't have to?
You can try replacing the news with uplifting music or watching something positive and uplifting on the TV. Reading books is another great way to help you absorb positive information. Look for success stories if you want to make a change in your business life. Just by reading their successes you will start to feel more empowered and positive and you will start to take action.
Another way to remove negativity from your life is to limit the amount of TV you watch. Even if you are not engrossed in the program you are watching your subconscious mind will be taking in the messages.
If there are a lot of negative people in your life this is going to be a problem. You should remove them from your life because you don't need them. This is easier said than done but try to at least limit the time you spend with these people. Find positive people to interact with so that you feel good. If your partner is generally negative your positivity will rub off so stay upbeat when you are around them and try not to let them bring you down.
The last and probably the most important place to look when it come to negativity is to yourself. Most of us, although we don't realize it, generate negative self talk all day long. The mind accepts these thoughts as truths so you need to watch what you are saying about yourself and your life. You need to start focusing on the positive aspects of you. What do you like about yourself? What are the things you are most proud of?
You can use visualization and affirmations to help with positivity. Give yourself credit for all the things you do right each day and try not to focus on any of the negative things that may have occurred. End your day by taking the time to list five positive things that happened. You will be surprised at how this affects your sleep and your mood the next morning.
By replacing the negatives in your life with positives you will not only make yourself feel better but you will make your life better too. You will start to focus on the good things and by placing your attention on these you will be drawing more good things into your life. This is how the Law of Attraction works and by being positive you can make it work for you.
The Power of Tears
"Those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart don't know how to laugh either." - Golda Meir
Do you have a lid on your tears? Do you also have a hard time laughing with your whole body?
Our tears are a God-given way of expressing sadness, just as laughter is a God-given way of expressing fun and joy. Both laughter and tears release stress in loving ways, rather than having to release it through anger or through holding it in your body, which can eventually cause physical pain and illness.
However, there are two kinds of tears, wounded tears and authentic, core tears.
Wounded Tears
Wounded tears are the tears we express when we are feeling like a victim. Wounded tears come from the pain that we are causing ourselves with our own self-abandonment. When we do not take loving care of our own feelings - instead ignoring our feelings, judging them, and avoiding them with various addictions - we might then project on to others that they are abandoning us and are the cause of our emotional pain.
Wounded victim tears are a manipulation of others, trying to make others feel guilty and responsible for you. The hope of wounded tears is that the other person will feel sympathy and pity for you, and give you the love and attention that you are not giving to yourself. Wounded tears are a way of avoiding personal responsibility for yourself - emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
Wounded tears are a bottomless pit. Because they are being caused by your own self-abandonment, your misery will not go away until you choose to take responsibility for your self.
When you are at the other end of another's wounded tears, you might feel put off by them. This is a normal reaction to the manipulation and is not an indication that you are a heartless person. When you don't feel moved by another's tears, there is a good chance that it is because their tears are trying to make you feel guilty and responsible for them.
Authentic Tears
Authentic tears are the tears we express when we are feeling the loneliness, heartache, heartbreak, sadness, sorrow, or grief of life. The pain behind these tears is not from how we are treating ourselves, but from the painful events of life - the loneliness and heartbreak of childhood abuse, of the loss of a loved one, the loneliness and heartache of being at the other end of another's meanness, the fear and grief over the loss of a job or loss of financial security, the heartbreak and grief of shattered dreams, the sorrow of seeing others' suffering or seeing peoples' unlovingness toward each other, and so on.
Authentic tears come from an open heart. When you are in the presence of someone who is in authentic pain, you generally feel moved to comfort them. If your own heart is open, you will likely feel their pain within you as you empathize with their feelings, and tears might come to your eyes.
It is vitally important to be able to express your authentic pain. When you put a lid on your authentic pain, the pain has to go somewhere, and it often goes into the muscles of your body, causing things like neck and back pain. The repression of authentic pain can cause so much stress in the body that your immune system is suppressed, which can eventually contribute to illnesses such as heart disease and cancer.
Authentic pain and true joy exist in the same place within your heart. When you put a lid on authentic pain, you also put a lid on authentic joy. If your life feels somewhat colorless, consider learning how to open to your authentic pain and you will discover your laughter and joy.
Do you have a lid on your tears? Do you also have a hard time laughing with your whole body?
Our tears are a God-given way of expressing sadness, just as laughter is a God-given way of expressing fun and joy. Both laughter and tears release stress in loving ways, rather than having to release it through anger or through holding it in your body, which can eventually cause physical pain and illness.
However, there are two kinds of tears, wounded tears and authentic, core tears.
Wounded Tears
Wounded tears are the tears we express when we are feeling like a victim. Wounded tears come from the pain that we are causing ourselves with our own self-abandonment. When we do not take loving care of our own feelings - instead ignoring our feelings, judging them, and avoiding them with various addictions - we might then project on to others that they are abandoning us and are the cause of our emotional pain.
Wounded victim tears are a manipulation of others, trying to make others feel guilty and responsible for you. The hope of wounded tears is that the other person will feel sympathy and pity for you, and give you the love and attention that you are not giving to yourself. Wounded tears are a way of avoiding personal responsibility for yourself - emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
Wounded tears are a bottomless pit. Because they are being caused by your own self-abandonment, your misery will not go away until you choose to take responsibility for your self.
When you are at the other end of another's wounded tears, you might feel put off by them. This is a normal reaction to the manipulation and is not an indication that you are a heartless person. When you don't feel moved by another's tears, there is a good chance that it is because their tears are trying to make you feel guilty and responsible for them.
Authentic Tears
Authentic tears are the tears we express when we are feeling the loneliness, heartache, heartbreak, sadness, sorrow, or grief of life. The pain behind these tears is not from how we are treating ourselves, but from the painful events of life - the loneliness and heartbreak of childhood abuse, of the loss of a loved one, the loneliness and heartache of being at the other end of another's meanness, the fear and grief over the loss of a job or loss of financial security, the heartbreak and grief of shattered dreams, the sorrow of seeing others' suffering or seeing peoples' unlovingness toward each other, and so on.
Authentic tears come from an open heart. When you are in the presence of someone who is in authentic pain, you generally feel moved to comfort them. If your own heart is open, you will likely feel their pain within you as you empathize with their feelings, and tears might come to your eyes.
It is vitally important to be able to express your authentic pain. When you put a lid on your authentic pain, the pain has to go somewhere, and it often goes into the muscles of your body, causing things like neck and back pain. The repression of authentic pain can cause so much stress in the body that your immune system is suppressed, which can eventually contribute to illnesses such as heart disease and cancer.
Authentic pain and true joy exist in the same place within your heart. When you put a lid on authentic pain, you also put a lid on authentic joy. If your life feels somewhat colorless, consider learning how to open to your authentic pain and you will discover your laughter and joy.
Careful Little Eyes What You See
Today I decided, as a new category of articles for my blog, that I will begin movie reviews that we watch and would recommend to others. Let me first begin by making you aware of the quality movie I prefer to watch. Most modern day films I don't find very appropriate for children, or any immature adult for that matter, since everything is targeted toward sex, violence, crude humor, and horror. Personally I still have thoughts that I am working on replacing from movies I watched when I was younger, as my parents had no filters. There is a message, programming, in every movie.
Most people seem to think a movie is simply for Entertainment value. Now there is some truth to that, however, there is more to each film than just fun and games. Our children are influenced easily by what they see on television, hear on the radio, and read in newspapers, magazines, & the internet. (Notice I didn't say books, as that doesn't seem to be the top of the list these days.) Sadly most people grow up believing what they see on television is real, or worse, they will say it isn't real they are just actors. Well, your subconscious mind doesn't know the difference. It is for that reason why you will cry when you watch a sad movie, or fear the dark after watching a horror movie. If it isn't real, they are just actors, then why would you have these emotional reactions?
Once I started to understand that each movie has a message, it became easier to filter the bad stuff and watch more of the good stuff. My children still don't quite get it yet, especially my oldest son, however, as they get older it will become more and more clear. (Mind you he is massively influenced by what he watches on television and has a terrible case of, "everyone else is watching it," syndrome.)
Do you want to test your child and see what they are getting out the movies they watch? It really isn't too difficult. Generally right after watching a new film, most kids will run around acting out or quoting bits and pieces from the film. Sadly, most of the time, it is all the negative parts of the movie that many parents wish they would have left out. Another way to find out what they learn from each movie is to ask them questions throughout. Assuming you are paying attention and can see the programming in each film yourself, when something happens, pause the movie and ask your children what just took place and why. Then ask them what they think is going to happen. Should they answer the question correctly, then ask them how they knew, etc. You will be amazed at some of the things they see, that you didn't. It will also floor you at how much they didn't see and don't understand. How dangerous can a movie be, or anything for that matter, if you are watching and have no idea of the programming you are getting? Your subconscious mind remembers everything that it sees, hears, etc. whether you understand it, or not!
One of my long term mentors told me that watching movies are extremely entertaining, as long as you can see the programming in each film. That way you can prevent any mind viruses from infecting your thinking. Once you are able to understand the message behind the message, if you will, then watching movies for entertainment value is ok. However, if you cannot see the message, or don't believe you are being programmed, then there is a very good chance some of what you believe, or how you think, has been massively influenced by a movie, or worse a television program. You know, that thing that isn't real, they are just actors? Think about it...
Our minds are incredible. What we feed them should be carefully selected. What happens if you put garbage in your diet? You get fat and/or unhealthy over time, right? Is it also true that the longer you eat that garbage the harder it is to stop the habit and reverse the trend? Of course it is. Think about that the next time you watch movies, listen to music, read magazines, or surf the internet. What goes in is what comes out! People who tend to curse watch Rated R movies, listen to explicit lyrics in their music, and associate with other people who also use profanities as part of everyday conversation. Successful people tend to read a lot of self help books, listen to classical or Christian music, and avoid negative television programs & movies. They also associate with other like minded people. This is not to say one is better than the other, however, the more successful you become, the more aware you also become of your programming!
Emotional Memory
As the years pass, you build up a collection of good and bad memories. Your brain has the ability to recall these memories at the drop of a hat - almost instantly. As an example, read the following questions and watch how fast your brain pulls the recollection: Name some songs by the Beatles. What was the last movie you saw? Where were you on 9/11? Where were you when the OJ verdict was announced? Who is the president of the United States? Who was your first kiss? As you can see, your brain instantly finds a memory when a question is asked.
There are several types of memory, each with different time courses that involve different parts of the brain. One kind of memory that is easy to recognize is that of short-term vs. long-term memory. Short-term memory is fast and takes no more than several minutes to recall. Short-term memory reflects your ability to recall specifics, the particulars of what went on. However, such memories fade quickly. Long-term memory extends beyond those several minutes, to hours, days and years in the past. Another kind of memory is called working memory, which is usually associated with short-term memory. Working memory is the ability to hold facts or details of events in the forefront of your thoughts.
All types of memory are interconnected and pathways in your brain. When you experience a very significant event, the brain records not only the details of the experience (where you were, when, who was there, what happened, etc.) but the emotions you experienced at the time as well. The entire memory of an emotional event (an assault, an automobile accident, a wedding, death of a loved one, a combat experience, etc.) is actually remembered by several systems and stored in separate areas of the brain. That is to say that memory is distributed throughout the brain. No single region of the brain has any one of these types of memory completely embedded in it. Instead, each type of memory involves several areas of the brain acting from different regions, where information is brought together, processed and then re-distributed to where your memories are permanently housed. This happens simultaneously, with all of the regions being activated and processing at the same time, so memories are recalled before you even have it concentrate.
Ever wonder why some memories can stay vivid for years while others fade with time? The answer is emotion. Your memory will only hold on to new information (working memory) gained from these events for about five days (this is your short-term memory). Memories that are not significant are usually forgotten or "dumped" and erased after this five-day waiting period (this is the time taken to transfer events from short to long term memory). The brain will learn or memorize all kinds of information with frequent repetition and constant use. However, if a memory containing only facts is not frequently used, the memory slowly fades away. You can store and create memory, as when memorizing spelling words or learning math. For example: 1) Can you calculate square root by hand? 2) Do you remember the names of all your high school teachers or classmates? In the second question, chances are you can remember those who also have emotional memories attached to them. What I mean is that when your emotions are activate, your brain automatically takes note. That is why you remember some events from the past with vivid detail, particularly the ones that were emotionally charged (like a favorite possession, an unjust punishment or first love). For example, I remember when I was able to tie my shoes for the first time. I can still recall how I ran to my mother and proudly showed her my accomplishment. It was an emotion-filled moment, but also provided useful information that I have carried on to this day, which is why it is still so vivid in my memory.
Humans are hardwired to remember things that threaten or are very rewarding to them. You have learned that what is threatening may be painful and what is rewarding may offer pleasure. These pleasures and pains trigger emotions that elevate the status of any would-be memory. This makes a lot of sense in evolutionary terms: emotional events would be biologically significant. Many survival lessons involve emotion, such as fear, anger or joy and your memory is enhanced by hormones that are released when you experience a strong emotion or stress. This explains why emotional arousal has such a powerful influence on how well you remember things.
What is so important about this? Well, in daily living, especially during times of stress, your memory is very important. Your memory is active every second of your life. It can be controlled when you try and memorize something. Yet your memory is primarily unconscious, in that it works automatically beyond your control and awareness. But the key point is that it can change your mood within two minutes. Perhaps, you have injured your knee in an accident and whenever the memory is reactivated in your mind, the knee may begin to throb with pain and discomfort. The strength of the memory is associated with the intensity of the event. This can trigger your body to react as it did at the time of your experience. So whenever you see and or hear about an accident, or even watch one in a movie, your memory triggers painful tension in your knee.
Emotional memories re-create your original emotional response. A sight, a sound, or even a smell can bring back the joy, fear, love, or hate that you have associated with it. You may not remember all of your many trips to the grocery store or gas station. However, you will always remember times which have a good or bad value attached to them, such as the time a store was robbed when you were there, the time an old lady threatened you over a parking spot, or the time you spilled gasoline all over your clothes in one of those self-serve pumps. You don't remember washing your car unless that spray wand just about gave you a skull fracture. In short, if a daily memory does not have a strong emotional value, it is faded out. The problem is that you can give an ordinary, harmless, experience greater emotional value then it really deserves.
When you get upset, scared, angry, or nervous without any identifiable cause it is a sign that your feelings are being "triggered" by the memory of a past situation. When people feel a strong emotion, the emotional brain (amygdala) remembers it, along with many other details connected with the event. Even things that are indirectly related to the event can trigger the old feeling without our even being aware that this is happening. The emotional brain (amygdala) takes in all kinds of impressions like sights, smells, tastes, and sounds and uses a "fast track circuit" to try to find a match with something that happened before. The mind is constantly looking for patterns, which are stronger and have better developed pathways in the brain. As an example, an adult who has had a bad first marriage may automatically trigger an emotional memory of jealousy any time his wife mentions, "I might be late". The anxiety in that statement causes his brain to search for a memory and recalls a feeling of jealousy from his first marriage. If the husband dwells on this feeling, he will become insecure, jealous, and suspicious for no reason in the present.
This raises the important point that the brain doesn't know if an experience is real or imagined! How can this be you may ask? Well, the brain creates memories based on information it is given, usually through your senses but sometimes through your thoughts. If you are in the same room with your sweetheart, it will give you that warm, romantic feeling. However, looking at their picture and thinking about them will do the same thing, even though they are not present. Even better, simply thinking about them will produce the same feelings (triggering the same emotional memory). The brain only reacts to the thought or sense, it doesn't care how it receives that feeling or information, be it by physical presence, by reminders (pictures), or by "thought".
When an emotional memory is triggered, you will say the same things, feel the same intensity of emotion, and behave the same way that you did at the time the memory was created. That is to say, you will respond to today as if it was a different time or place in your life. The emotional experiences you have endured resurface and are replayed when you perceive an event in the present as emotionally similar to something for your past. As a result you may become defensive and lash out with anger or withdrawn and avoid confrontation out of sadness or fear. Many of these reactions, however, are not appropriate for the current situation. These reactions are based on past relationships and emotional experiences, causing you erupt or melt down in the form of crying, yelling, panic or violence.
People that are shy and introverted tell therapists that when they enter a restaurant, people look at them, creating anxiety. It's true, but it applies to everyone, not just those who are shy. When anything enters your visual field, you unconsciously begin scanning it. A person walking into a room is "scanned" by almost everyone else and that automatic scanning procedure takes about two seconds. The unconscious mind is looking for two things 1) to see if you have a memory or point of reference for comparison and 2) to protect you for any signs of danger. If the new individual is odd looking, carrying a weapon, or naked, the brain will start a full-scan and react accordingly (long stare, fright, or "Don't I know you?). Individuals with physical features that are unusual lead to the common "double take" where you will first unconsciously scan for safety and reference, then look again consciously to examine and analyze. These references are designed to help you, as when remembering an old friend, the location of the store in a mall, or when remembering needed facts/details.
Let's say you can't stand the smell of fresh asphalt. This may be because you had a bad crash on your bike on fresh asphalt when you were younger. You may or may not even remember the crash, but your body does, and it links that smell with the crash. A dog bit one of my clients when he was young. The bite hurt, and my client was frightened. The event became stored in his emotional memory. As a teenager, the sight of a dog-even a gentle one-still triggered a feeling of fear and hesitation. When my client sees a dog now, his brain instantaneously compares the image of the dog with his past memories through the fast track circuit. The brain finds a match-with the memory of "dog" and getting bitten-and triggers a feeling of fear. This feeling then affects how his brain perceives the dog. He reacts with a fear of dogs without knowing why. The information about the dog goes to the brain through another pathway-the "slow track circuit." If the different parts of your brains are working well together, the brain can then tell that everything is OK. It's a friendly dog, and there is no reason to feel threatened. However, even if this happens, the initial reaction has already sent signals down my client's nerves causing stress hormones to be released into his body.
Of course, such memories do not happen just with dogs. They happen with all of your past situations, including your relationships with other people-and places and situations that have left deep impressions on you. A person with a certain kind of walk or body type might cause you to feel fear because he reminds you of someone who once bullied you. The smell of a hot dog can make you nauseous because you came down with a stomach flu after eating one once. You may dislike people with red hair because of that one red-headed person who once picked on you. And the list goes on.
Your emotional response to a memory begins 90 to 120 seconds after a memory surfaces. For example, recall when you were told about the death of a loved one. The first two minutes of the conversation may have gone well, but then you become sad. If this memory remains in your attention, the feelings from the funeral and bereavement will surface today. Your mind then recalls other experiences of loss, unfairness, or guilt that is associated with what was felt at the time of your initial grief. In this way what was unconscious become conscious. You are now mindful of a memory, which was dormant and now has sprung to life. And the longer the memory is available in your awareness, the stronger the emotional component becomes, to the point that you may begin to cry. Famous actors and actresses have known this method for years. If they want to cry on stage, they can recall a painful memory from their personal life and within 90 seconds, tears are flowing.
When a memory comes to your awareness, it is as though you have placed a disc in a DVD player. The disc begins playing and you hear the same discussion or feel the same feelings over and over. Husbands and wives refer to this sometimes as "broken record" conversations. You may get the same lectures, the same anger, the same resentment, the same everything - it's all on the disc. For example, a couple can be discussing whether they have enough money to purchase a new computer. The wife mentions using a particular credit card - that triggers a memory in her husband, hitting the play button on the "credit card" disc. At that point, the husband launches into a long story about credit cards, high interest, harassing letters, and so forth. When that memory is pulled up, a discussion about the computer becomes useless. While you may try to remain business-like and focus on a topic of discussion, you can't help but think of the past.
You know when an emotional memory is trigged if the emotional reaction is far above what would be expected from the situation. If the listener has the general idea that the conversation doesn't make sense, you're probably listening to someone talk about emotions from the past. For example, a husband and wife meet an old boyfriend or girlfriend at the supermarket. Suddenly, there's a gigantic reaction complete with jealousy, suspiciousness, and anger. Many recollections begin with, "We've talked about this before," "When I was young..." and so on. References to the past are almost always related to an emotional memory. For example, teenagers have difficulty, understanding why a simple request for money leads into a long discussion of dad's collecting pop bottles for money during his youth. The key is the phrase, "When I was your age..." This kind of memory error is known as persistence. Persistence is not the loss of memory, nor is it the distortion of memory. A person suffering from persistence is doomed to remember events that he or she would prefer to forget and are frequently making references to the past. Persistence is often seen in post-traumatic stress disorder. After a traumatic event, such a violent attack or a rape, people often re-experience their memories of the event. Trauma victims seem to lose control over the retrieval of their trauma-related memories, so that the memories are constantly being pulled into awareness by the slightest trigger. Persistence can occur in non-traumatic situations as well. Depressed individuals are often bothered by negative memories that intrude when they are not wanted.
One of the most common situations in which emotional memory is created is in physical or mental trauma. Many of us have experienced trauma in our life. Traumatic emotional memories can be created by physical assaults, combat experiences, crime, death of a loved one, viewing severe accidents, surgery, or brush-with-death experiences. In trauma, the brain not only memorizes everything about the event - including the emotions - but adds the surroundings as well. If you are assaulted in your home, suddenly your home is no longer comfortable due to the memories it produces. A severe automobile accident may prompt you to quit driving completely or develop panic attacks if you near the site of the accident. Traumatic emotional memories are perhaps the strongest memories and often create long-lasting complications or challenges if not properly handled.
Another common way that emotional memories create patterns is in the case of a panic attack. When you suffer a panic attack, hormones are released in the brain, which creates the muscle tension, rapid heartbeat, shortness of breath, and trembling associated with a panic attack. After an attack however, your brain remembers the feeling and the physical sensations. Months later, you may be in a crowded store or in an emotionally tense situation when the brain recognizes a physical sensation of tension, which it has seen before during the panic attack. At that point, the brain immediately triggers the "panic attack" memory. If you dwell on the memory of panic, you are quite likely to have another panic attack. Remember: With each emotion or experience, the brain is always searching to see if you have a memory on that topic.
Imagine being stressed-out for six months, almost at the breaking point. You decide to stop by the market to pick up some bread and milk. While in the store, you run into someone you dislike which immediately triggers a memory of how you were threatened and hurt by an argument with that person's husband. That conflict reminds you of this morning's argument with your spouse, which now dominates your concentration and your mood becomes worse. At this point, your brain, already overtaxed, kicks in with a panic attack. You feel your heartbeat race, your breathing becomes shallow and rapid, and you feel as though you are going to have a heart attack. You end up leaving your groceries and running out of the store. You now have compounded the threatening-memory of "this individual" and have created a new panic-memory with a label "market" on it. Therefore, the next time you drive by the market to stop for milk, your brain will pull the panic-memory. You'll develop a feeling - "I can't go in there!" This is exactly how people become agoraphobic, where they become fearful of leaving their home. You fear that the same negative outcomes that arose in the past will occur again. The link between the emotions and your memories is like the umbilical cord. You need to cut it so you can access the memory without the strength of your emotions.
There are several types of memory, each with different time courses that involve different parts of the brain. One kind of memory that is easy to recognize is that of short-term vs. long-term memory. Short-term memory is fast and takes no more than several minutes to recall. Short-term memory reflects your ability to recall specifics, the particulars of what went on. However, such memories fade quickly. Long-term memory extends beyond those several minutes, to hours, days and years in the past. Another kind of memory is called working memory, which is usually associated with short-term memory. Working memory is the ability to hold facts or details of events in the forefront of your thoughts.
All types of memory are interconnected and pathways in your brain. When you experience a very significant event, the brain records not only the details of the experience (where you were, when, who was there, what happened, etc.) but the emotions you experienced at the time as well. The entire memory of an emotional event (an assault, an automobile accident, a wedding, death of a loved one, a combat experience, etc.) is actually remembered by several systems and stored in separate areas of the brain. That is to say that memory is distributed throughout the brain. No single region of the brain has any one of these types of memory completely embedded in it. Instead, each type of memory involves several areas of the brain acting from different regions, where information is brought together, processed and then re-distributed to where your memories are permanently housed. This happens simultaneously, with all of the regions being activated and processing at the same time, so memories are recalled before you even have it concentrate.
Ever wonder why some memories can stay vivid for years while others fade with time? The answer is emotion. Your memory will only hold on to new information (working memory) gained from these events for about five days (this is your short-term memory). Memories that are not significant are usually forgotten or "dumped" and erased after this five-day waiting period (this is the time taken to transfer events from short to long term memory). The brain will learn or memorize all kinds of information with frequent repetition and constant use. However, if a memory containing only facts is not frequently used, the memory slowly fades away. You can store and create memory, as when memorizing spelling words or learning math. For example: 1) Can you calculate square root by hand? 2) Do you remember the names of all your high school teachers or classmates? In the second question, chances are you can remember those who also have emotional memories attached to them. What I mean is that when your emotions are activate, your brain automatically takes note. That is why you remember some events from the past with vivid detail, particularly the ones that were emotionally charged (like a favorite possession, an unjust punishment or first love). For example, I remember when I was able to tie my shoes for the first time. I can still recall how I ran to my mother and proudly showed her my accomplishment. It was an emotion-filled moment, but also provided useful information that I have carried on to this day, which is why it is still so vivid in my memory.
Humans are hardwired to remember things that threaten or are very rewarding to them. You have learned that what is threatening may be painful and what is rewarding may offer pleasure. These pleasures and pains trigger emotions that elevate the status of any would-be memory. This makes a lot of sense in evolutionary terms: emotional events would be biologically significant. Many survival lessons involve emotion, such as fear, anger or joy and your memory is enhanced by hormones that are released when you experience a strong emotion or stress. This explains why emotional arousal has such a powerful influence on how well you remember things.
What is so important about this? Well, in daily living, especially during times of stress, your memory is very important. Your memory is active every second of your life. It can be controlled when you try and memorize something. Yet your memory is primarily unconscious, in that it works automatically beyond your control and awareness. But the key point is that it can change your mood within two minutes. Perhaps, you have injured your knee in an accident and whenever the memory is reactivated in your mind, the knee may begin to throb with pain and discomfort. The strength of the memory is associated with the intensity of the event. This can trigger your body to react as it did at the time of your experience. So whenever you see and or hear about an accident, or even watch one in a movie, your memory triggers painful tension in your knee.
Emotional memories re-create your original emotional response. A sight, a sound, or even a smell can bring back the joy, fear, love, or hate that you have associated with it. You may not remember all of your many trips to the grocery store or gas station. However, you will always remember times which have a good or bad value attached to them, such as the time a store was robbed when you were there, the time an old lady threatened you over a parking spot, or the time you spilled gasoline all over your clothes in one of those self-serve pumps. You don't remember washing your car unless that spray wand just about gave you a skull fracture. In short, if a daily memory does not have a strong emotional value, it is faded out. The problem is that you can give an ordinary, harmless, experience greater emotional value then it really deserves.
When you get upset, scared, angry, or nervous without any identifiable cause it is a sign that your feelings are being "triggered" by the memory of a past situation. When people feel a strong emotion, the emotional brain (amygdala) remembers it, along with many other details connected with the event. Even things that are indirectly related to the event can trigger the old feeling without our even being aware that this is happening. The emotional brain (amygdala) takes in all kinds of impressions like sights, smells, tastes, and sounds and uses a "fast track circuit" to try to find a match with something that happened before. The mind is constantly looking for patterns, which are stronger and have better developed pathways in the brain. As an example, an adult who has had a bad first marriage may automatically trigger an emotional memory of jealousy any time his wife mentions, "I might be late". The anxiety in that statement causes his brain to search for a memory and recalls a feeling of jealousy from his first marriage. If the husband dwells on this feeling, he will become insecure, jealous, and suspicious for no reason in the present.
This raises the important point that the brain doesn't know if an experience is real or imagined! How can this be you may ask? Well, the brain creates memories based on information it is given, usually through your senses but sometimes through your thoughts. If you are in the same room with your sweetheart, it will give you that warm, romantic feeling. However, looking at their picture and thinking about them will do the same thing, even though they are not present. Even better, simply thinking about them will produce the same feelings (triggering the same emotional memory). The brain only reacts to the thought or sense, it doesn't care how it receives that feeling or information, be it by physical presence, by reminders (pictures), or by "thought".
When an emotional memory is triggered, you will say the same things, feel the same intensity of emotion, and behave the same way that you did at the time the memory was created. That is to say, you will respond to today as if it was a different time or place in your life. The emotional experiences you have endured resurface and are replayed when you perceive an event in the present as emotionally similar to something for your past. As a result you may become defensive and lash out with anger or withdrawn and avoid confrontation out of sadness or fear. Many of these reactions, however, are not appropriate for the current situation. These reactions are based on past relationships and emotional experiences, causing you erupt or melt down in the form of crying, yelling, panic or violence.
People that are shy and introverted tell therapists that when they enter a restaurant, people look at them, creating anxiety. It's true, but it applies to everyone, not just those who are shy. When anything enters your visual field, you unconsciously begin scanning it. A person walking into a room is "scanned" by almost everyone else and that automatic scanning procedure takes about two seconds. The unconscious mind is looking for two things 1) to see if you have a memory or point of reference for comparison and 2) to protect you for any signs of danger. If the new individual is odd looking, carrying a weapon, or naked, the brain will start a full-scan and react accordingly (long stare, fright, or "Don't I know you?). Individuals with physical features that are unusual lead to the common "double take" where you will first unconsciously scan for safety and reference, then look again consciously to examine and analyze. These references are designed to help you, as when remembering an old friend, the location of the store in a mall, or when remembering needed facts/details.
Let's say you can't stand the smell of fresh asphalt. This may be because you had a bad crash on your bike on fresh asphalt when you were younger. You may or may not even remember the crash, but your body does, and it links that smell with the crash. A dog bit one of my clients when he was young. The bite hurt, and my client was frightened. The event became stored in his emotional memory. As a teenager, the sight of a dog-even a gentle one-still triggered a feeling of fear and hesitation. When my client sees a dog now, his brain instantaneously compares the image of the dog with his past memories through the fast track circuit. The brain finds a match-with the memory of "dog" and getting bitten-and triggers a feeling of fear. This feeling then affects how his brain perceives the dog. He reacts with a fear of dogs without knowing why. The information about the dog goes to the brain through another pathway-the "slow track circuit." If the different parts of your brains are working well together, the brain can then tell that everything is OK. It's a friendly dog, and there is no reason to feel threatened. However, even if this happens, the initial reaction has already sent signals down my client's nerves causing stress hormones to be released into his body.
Of course, such memories do not happen just with dogs. They happen with all of your past situations, including your relationships with other people-and places and situations that have left deep impressions on you. A person with a certain kind of walk or body type might cause you to feel fear because he reminds you of someone who once bullied you. The smell of a hot dog can make you nauseous because you came down with a stomach flu after eating one once. You may dislike people with red hair because of that one red-headed person who once picked on you. And the list goes on.
Your emotional response to a memory begins 90 to 120 seconds after a memory surfaces. For example, recall when you were told about the death of a loved one. The first two minutes of the conversation may have gone well, but then you become sad. If this memory remains in your attention, the feelings from the funeral and bereavement will surface today. Your mind then recalls other experiences of loss, unfairness, or guilt that is associated with what was felt at the time of your initial grief. In this way what was unconscious become conscious. You are now mindful of a memory, which was dormant and now has sprung to life. And the longer the memory is available in your awareness, the stronger the emotional component becomes, to the point that you may begin to cry. Famous actors and actresses have known this method for years. If they want to cry on stage, they can recall a painful memory from their personal life and within 90 seconds, tears are flowing.
When a memory comes to your awareness, it is as though you have placed a disc in a DVD player. The disc begins playing and you hear the same discussion or feel the same feelings over and over. Husbands and wives refer to this sometimes as "broken record" conversations. You may get the same lectures, the same anger, the same resentment, the same everything - it's all on the disc. For example, a couple can be discussing whether they have enough money to purchase a new computer. The wife mentions using a particular credit card - that triggers a memory in her husband, hitting the play button on the "credit card" disc. At that point, the husband launches into a long story about credit cards, high interest, harassing letters, and so forth. When that memory is pulled up, a discussion about the computer becomes useless. While you may try to remain business-like and focus on a topic of discussion, you can't help but think of the past.
You know when an emotional memory is trigged if the emotional reaction is far above what would be expected from the situation. If the listener has the general idea that the conversation doesn't make sense, you're probably listening to someone talk about emotions from the past. For example, a husband and wife meet an old boyfriend or girlfriend at the supermarket. Suddenly, there's a gigantic reaction complete with jealousy, suspiciousness, and anger. Many recollections begin with, "We've talked about this before," "When I was young..." and so on. References to the past are almost always related to an emotional memory. For example, teenagers have difficulty, understanding why a simple request for money leads into a long discussion of dad's collecting pop bottles for money during his youth. The key is the phrase, "When I was your age..." This kind of memory error is known as persistence. Persistence is not the loss of memory, nor is it the distortion of memory. A person suffering from persistence is doomed to remember events that he or she would prefer to forget and are frequently making references to the past. Persistence is often seen in post-traumatic stress disorder. After a traumatic event, such a violent attack or a rape, people often re-experience their memories of the event. Trauma victims seem to lose control over the retrieval of their trauma-related memories, so that the memories are constantly being pulled into awareness by the slightest trigger. Persistence can occur in non-traumatic situations as well. Depressed individuals are often bothered by negative memories that intrude when they are not wanted.
One of the most common situations in which emotional memory is created is in physical or mental trauma. Many of us have experienced trauma in our life. Traumatic emotional memories can be created by physical assaults, combat experiences, crime, death of a loved one, viewing severe accidents, surgery, or brush-with-death experiences. In trauma, the brain not only memorizes everything about the event - including the emotions - but adds the surroundings as well. If you are assaulted in your home, suddenly your home is no longer comfortable due to the memories it produces. A severe automobile accident may prompt you to quit driving completely or develop panic attacks if you near the site of the accident. Traumatic emotional memories are perhaps the strongest memories and often create long-lasting complications or challenges if not properly handled.
Another common way that emotional memories create patterns is in the case of a panic attack. When you suffer a panic attack, hormones are released in the brain, which creates the muscle tension, rapid heartbeat, shortness of breath, and trembling associated with a panic attack. After an attack however, your brain remembers the feeling and the physical sensations. Months later, you may be in a crowded store or in an emotionally tense situation when the brain recognizes a physical sensation of tension, which it has seen before during the panic attack. At that point, the brain immediately triggers the "panic attack" memory. If you dwell on the memory of panic, you are quite likely to have another panic attack. Remember: With each emotion or experience, the brain is always searching to see if you have a memory on that topic.
Imagine being stressed-out for six months, almost at the breaking point. You decide to stop by the market to pick up some bread and milk. While in the store, you run into someone you dislike which immediately triggers a memory of how you were threatened and hurt by an argument with that person's husband. That conflict reminds you of this morning's argument with your spouse, which now dominates your concentration and your mood becomes worse. At this point, your brain, already overtaxed, kicks in with a panic attack. You feel your heartbeat race, your breathing becomes shallow and rapid, and you feel as though you are going to have a heart attack. You end up leaving your groceries and running out of the store. You now have compounded the threatening-memory of "this individual" and have created a new panic-memory with a label "market" on it. Therefore, the next time you drive by the market to stop for milk, your brain will pull the panic-memory. You'll develop a feeling - "I can't go in there!" This is exactly how people become agoraphobic, where they become fearful of leaving their home. You fear that the same negative outcomes that arose in the past will occur again. The link between the emotions and your memories is like the umbilical cord. You need to cut it so you can access the memory without the strength of your emotions.
Bossitive Attitude! How About Your Boss?
Boss - the four letter word which inspires, motivates, demotivates, frightens, depresses the employees worldwide. Very few will have positive feedback about their boss. Most of the neutral say that 'boss is always right' ! These kind of passive people are not willing to take risk by talking negative about boss as they fear victimisation by the 'gossip-mongers' in the work place. Why people spread only negative things about boss? Why there is so much literature available on 'managing boss' ! Is there no positive thing to spread about boss? Are you aware that you are creating an aura behind an ordinary person with your 'negative talking' about boss and making him a 'personality' ! Many of the bosses don't know on what kind of image they are having among their employees? Once I asked my boss 'Do you know what people are thinking about you'? My boss simply told me 'I am not bothered'! As I have accepted him my mentor, I loved to pester him and asked to explain further. He simply said 'I have to satisfy my boss by getting the things done through my core team. Though I will just ratify the decisions taken by my core team, very few decisions are directly taken by me. As I am leading the organisation, people attribute all decisions to me and their emotions towards me are always fluctuating due to their levels of imagination. A manager may get disturbed with his image among the employees; but a Leader should never get disturbed with his image in the organisation. An employee is always interested in his pay and perks. But a leader who is running the organisation works in the interest of every employee associated with the organization'.
Boss vs. Employee
Then what is the remedy to avoid this kind of imagination about Boss? One should not imagine things when they are working in organisations, as organisations always run on some laid down policies and procedures. Employees should follow them diligently without fail to enhance their performance quotient and to have an impressive appraisal.
One has to face facts after joining an organisation. Bosses always insist on general discipline for which employees feel that they are being controlled unreasonably. When you are paid to perform, you are expected to perform without fail. One should not bring our cricketers 'losing attitude' to the workplace and finally making it a national attitude. Everyone in the team should have the will to win and to contribute to the team as a whole to reach the common goal. Bosses always want to take their team along with them on a winning path. If the team loses ultimately 'boss' loses whether in the workplace or in the game of cricket.
Boss and communication
Generally, in any organisation there would not be any communication from top to bottom. During my more than two decades of experience in various industries, I heard many of my bosses saying 'you have to pay the price' ........ of course - it is for the poor performance or no performance at all. But this kind of language from the bosses annoy the employees and over a period of time, employees don't care about the communication of the boss, and finally they will make the boss feel that they are disobeying him. 'Communication is the key to success' is not just theory or just a sentence to chant again and again, to enjoy the effect of the same. It is literally true whether you are a leader, manager, peer, subordinate or a boss. Bosses should communicate well to manage their team effectively and also to get the things done in time.
Employees' alertness - Boss's success
Employees must be alert to the needs of the boss in the workplace and they must develop their 'listening skills' to facilitate their boss effectively in a professional manner. A team without good listening skills is a waste of time to work with. Your listening skills are directly related to your performance levels and range of reciprocation to the instructions of your boss. Listening carefully to what boss says will always give you edge over others. You must be assertive while communicating with your boss at the professional level, if you wish to become a courageous follower in a phased manner. You cannot become 'courageous follower' overnight and fall prey to the negative forces at the workplace.
Emotional intelligence leads to peak performance
Sam Pitroda -- Chairman, National Knowledge Commission, India, and Chairman, WorldTel, based in Chicago, USA, is having altogether another story to tell about employees of India. Once Sam said that 'Indian employees take everything personal; if you tell them your work is not up to the mark, they feel that they are not up to the mark. I had terrible problems with this kind of attitude of Indian employees in the workplaces'. This is one more thing one has to understand when you are working in an organization. One should not take bosses' words personally and must strive to perform in a better manner to give their best. This may sound as preaching, but if you are interested in building your career, irrespective of the behaviour of your bosses, you must perform or get ready to perish. Even our BCCI is following the HRM policies by dropping non-performers from the team and taking performers again back into the team without much hesitation. Let us wait and watch whether this change will instill 'killer instinct' and 'winning attitude' in our cricket team!
How bosses behave with their team?
One day I told my boss that our Personnel Manager is not having good image among the employees. Whoever I met, everybody is scolding our Personnel Manager. My boss retorted - 'Naturally! He is directly dealing with the employees. In fact, we have to give him promotion, that he is getting more scoldings, because he is managing people well and with the discipline required to help them build their productive attitude.' Finally, our Personnel Manager got promotion to my utter amazement. Then what is the learning : Manage your team to delight your boss !
Employees' expectations
Employees always expect empowerment, encouragement, excitement from their job. Employees don't like anybody telling them to come in time. Employees do not like preachers in the workplace. Their ego mantra is 'papa.... Don't preach' ! That's why most of the employees do not attend training programs in the workplace and surprisingly some bosses also resist training their employees, saying that training hours are man hours wasted on unproductive task. I wonder why IT companies like Infosys, Satyam and placement consultants like Mafoi have started their own leadership training centers. Most of the employees feel that they know everything as far as organisational discipline and requirements are concerned. But very few follow them diligently without getting noticed by the HR policing.
Extract more work with less pay - Bosses Mantra for Success
Bosses always want to push their employees to extract more work from them for less pay. In this process, Bosses want to impress their bosses that they are getting the things done in a result oriented manner and meeting deadlines effectively. This kind of imbalance in professional and personal relations create flutter and compel us to judge Boss immediately at personal level. This will start a gang of opinionated people who always spread opinions not just about their bosses, but all of their colleagues, peers and subordinates.
Do not impress - Express with your performance
Another mantra for success in the workplace which would help to enhance your performance quotient is 'do not perform to impress your boss - for that matter do not work to impress anybody. Always work to satisfy yourself and at the end of the day pat your back that you have given the full day's work and did justice to your pay'.
Bosses are not super human
Once I asked our General Manager 'Sir ! What is our Boss doing!' Pat came the reply - 'He has just created a problem and is struggling to solve it to get the credit of being a problem solver!' Bosses are just human beings like us. They are not super human to find solutions for all organisational problems and they are not ready made remedies for our promotion, pay and perks. You have to promote yourself with your performance. Bosses cannot promote you. They may change your designation with one signature but you have to enhance your performance.
Organisations are permanent ........ not Boss !
When it comes to supporting boss or organisation, I will support organisations which are to stay here to serve the ever growing needs of the Society. Organisations are the reflections of the Society. As legendary IT Czar of India Mr.Narayana Murthy, Chief Mentor, Infosys, rightly put it - 'Always fall in love with your work; never fall in love with your organisations; because you do not know when the organisation stops loving you'!
How to become a courageous follower?
One must be a courageous follower not just by following the instructions of boss, but to correct the boss whenever there is a need to make him right. One must be tactful in his communication while correcting the boss, following the principles of a courageous follower as propounded by Ira Chaleff (www.exe-coach.com) in his award winning book 'The Courageous Follower - Standing up to and for our Leaders'. I had the privilege of attending Ira Chaleff's workshop during his promotional tour to India. Some of the participants responded to his workshop saying that 'if we become courageous followers in our workplace; we will lose our jobs'! He smiled gently and said 'one must be tactful while talking to the boss; and more tactful while correcting him'! But as we are all aware, the ego levels of Indian bosses is legendary and they don't want their subordinates to become courageous followers and correct them. In my experience, many of my bosses allowed me to speak out with whatever courage I have, though with a bit of straightforwardness. Of course, you have to take risks with your career and it may lag behind compared to others who always follow your boss with a family pack of 'Amul butter'! Even then, you will have the soul satisfying experience for being one of the courageous followers and a class of your own!
Meditation on Followership
I conclude this with 'Meditation on Followership', and let us take an oath to change the world called our workplace.
For me, becoming a courageous follower, like becoming a good human being, is both a daily and a life-long task. Visualising a desired state helps to realize it. I share this meditation as one visualisation of the state I aspire to. You may want to refer it from time to time.
o I am a steward of this group and share responsibility for its success.
o I am responsible for adhering to the highest values I can envision.
o I am responsible for my successes and failures and for continuing to learn from them.
o I am responsible for the attractive and unattractive parts of who I am.
o I can empathise with others who are also imperfect.
o As an adult, I can relate on a peer basis to other adults who are the group's formal leaders.
o I can support leaders and counsel them, and receive support and counsel from them.
o Our common purpose is our best guide.
o I have the power to help leaders use their power wisely and effectively.
o If leaders abuse power, I can help them change their behaviour.
o If I abuse power, I can learn from others and change my behaviour.
o If abusive leaders do not change their behaviour, I can and will withdraw my support.
o By staying true to my values, I can serve others well and fulfill my potential.
o Thousands of courageous acts by followers can, one by one, improve the world.
o Courage always exists in the present. What can I do today?
(Excerpted from 'The Courageous Follower - Standing upto and for our Leaders' by Ira Chaleff)
Action speaks louder than words
Apply these principles of courageous behaviour in the workplace to enhance your image as a performer and become a brand loyal follower of your boss.
Do not convince - Be convinced
As Zig Ziglar rightly put it - 'Life is too short to spend your precious time trying to convince a person who wants to live in gloom and doom otherwise. Give lifting that person your best shot, but don't hang around long enough for his or her bad attitude to pull you down. Instead, surround yourself with optimistic people.'
Finally, in a democratic country, you will get what you deserve !
Boss vs. Employee
Then what is the remedy to avoid this kind of imagination about Boss? One should not imagine things when they are working in organisations, as organisations always run on some laid down policies and procedures. Employees should follow them diligently without fail to enhance their performance quotient and to have an impressive appraisal.
One has to face facts after joining an organisation. Bosses always insist on general discipline for which employees feel that they are being controlled unreasonably. When you are paid to perform, you are expected to perform without fail. One should not bring our cricketers 'losing attitude' to the workplace and finally making it a national attitude. Everyone in the team should have the will to win and to contribute to the team as a whole to reach the common goal. Bosses always want to take their team along with them on a winning path. If the team loses ultimately 'boss' loses whether in the workplace or in the game of cricket.
Boss and communication
Generally, in any organisation there would not be any communication from top to bottom. During my more than two decades of experience in various industries, I heard many of my bosses saying 'you have to pay the price' ........ of course - it is for the poor performance or no performance at all. But this kind of language from the bosses annoy the employees and over a period of time, employees don't care about the communication of the boss, and finally they will make the boss feel that they are disobeying him. 'Communication is the key to success' is not just theory or just a sentence to chant again and again, to enjoy the effect of the same. It is literally true whether you are a leader, manager, peer, subordinate or a boss. Bosses should communicate well to manage their team effectively and also to get the things done in time.
Employees' alertness - Boss's success
Employees must be alert to the needs of the boss in the workplace and they must develop their 'listening skills' to facilitate their boss effectively in a professional manner. A team without good listening skills is a waste of time to work with. Your listening skills are directly related to your performance levels and range of reciprocation to the instructions of your boss. Listening carefully to what boss says will always give you edge over others. You must be assertive while communicating with your boss at the professional level, if you wish to become a courageous follower in a phased manner. You cannot become 'courageous follower' overnight and fall prey to the negative forces at the workplace.
Emotional intelligence leads to peak performance
Sam Pitroda -- Chairman, National Knowledge Commission, India, and Chairman, WorldTel, based in Chicago, USA, is having altogether another story to tell about employees of India. Once Sam said that 'Indian employees take everything personal; if you tell them your work is not up to the mark, they feel that they are not up to the mark. I had terrible problems with this kind of attitude of Indian employees in the workplaces'. This is one more thing one has to understand when you are working in an organization. One should not take bosses' words personally and must strive to perform in a better manner to give their best. This may sound as preaching, but if you are interested in building your career, irrespective of the behaviour of your bosses, you must perform or get ready to perish. Even our BCCI is following the HRM policies by dropping non-performers from the team and taking performers again back into the team without much hesitation. Let us wait and watch whether this change will instill 'killer instinct' and 'winning attitude' in our cricket team!
How bosses behave with their team?
One day I told my boss that our Personnel Manager is not having good image among the employees. Whoever I met, everybody is scolding our Personnel Manager. My boss retorted - 'Naturally! He is directly dealing with the employees. In fact, we have to give him promotion, that he is getting more scoldings, because he is managing people well and with the discipline required to help them build their productive attitude.' Finally, our Personnel Manager got promotion to my utter amazement. Then what is the learning : Manage your team to delight your boss !
Employees' expectations
Employees always expect empowerment, encouragement, excitement from their job. Employees don't like anybody telling them to come in time. Employees do not like preachers in the workplace. Their ego mantra is 'papa.... Don't preach' ! That's why most of the employees do not attend training programs in the workplace and surprisingly some bosses also resist training their employees, saying that training hours are man hours wasted on unproductive task. I wonder why IT companies like Infosys, Satyam and placement consultants like Mafoi have started their own leadership training centers. Most of the employees feel that they know everything as far as organisational discipline and requirements are concerned. But very few follow them diligently without getting noticed by the HR policing.
Extract more work with less pay - Bosses Mantra for Success
Bosses always want to push their employees to extract more work from them for less pay. In this process, Bosses want to impress their bosses that they are getting the things done in a result oriented manner and meeting deadlines effectively. This kind of imbalance in professional and personal relations create flutter and compel us to judge Boss immediately at personal level. This will start a gang of opinionated people who always spread opinions not just about their bosses, but all of their colleagues, peers and subordinates.
Do not impress - Express with your performance
Another mantra for success in the workplace which would help to enhance your performance quotient is 'do not perform to impress your boss - for that matter do not work to impress anybody. Always work to satisfy yourself and at the end of the day pat your back that you have given the full day's work and did justice to your pay'.
Bosses are not super human
Once I asked our General Manager 'Sir ! What is our Boss doing!' Pat came the reply - 'He has just created a problem and is struggling to solve it to get the credit of being a problem solver!' Bosses are just human beings like us. They are not super human to find solutions for all organisational problems and they are not ready made remedies for our promotion, pay and perks. You have to promote yourself with your performance. Bosses cannot promote you. They may change your designation with one signature but you have to enhance your performance.
Organisations are permanent ........ not Boss !
When it comes to supporting boss or organisation, I will support organisations which are to stay here to serve the ever growing needs of the Society. Organisations are the reflections of the Society. As legendary IT Czar of India Mr.Narayana Murthy, Chief Mentor, Infosys, rightly put it - 'Always fall in love with your work; never fall in love with your organisations; because you do not know when the organisation stops loving you'!
How to become a courageous follower?
One must be a courageous follower not just by following the instructions of boss, but to correct the boss whenever there is a need to make him right. One must be tactful in his communication while correcting the boss, following the principles of a courageous follower as propounded by Ira Chaleff (www.exe-coach.com) in his award winning book 'The Courageous Follower - Standing up to and for our Leaders'. I had the privilege of attending Ira Chaleff's workshop during his promotional tour to India. Some of the participants responded to his workshop saying that 'if we become courageous followers in our workplace; we will lose our jobs'! He smiled gently and said 'one must be tactful while talking to the boss; and more tactful while correcting him'! But as we are all aware, the ego levels of Indian bosses is legendary and they don't want their subordinates to become courageous followers and correct them. In my experience, many of my bosses allowed me to speak out with whatever courage I have, though with a bit of straightforwardness. Of course, you have to take risks with your career and it may lag behind compared to others who always follow your boss with a family pack of 'Amul butter'! Even then, you will have the soul satisfying experience for being one of the courageous followers and a class of your own!
Meditation on Followership
I conclude this with 'Meditation on Followership', and let us take an oath to change the world called our workplace.
For me, becoming a courageous follower, like becoming a good human being, is both a daily and a life-long task. Visualising a desired state helps to realize it. I share this meditation as one visualisation of the state I aspire to. You may want to refer it from time to time.
o I am a steward of this group and share responsibility for its success.
o I am responsible for adhering to the highest values I can envision.
o I am responsible for my successes and failures and for continuing to learn from them.
o I am responsible for the attractive and unattractive parts of who I am.
o I can empathise with others who are also imperfect.
o As an adult, I can relate on a peer basis to other adults who are the group's formal leaders.
o I can support leaders and counsel them, and receive support and counsel from them.
o Our common purpose is our best guide.
o I have the power to help leaders use their power wisely and effectively.
o If leaders abuse power, I can help them change their behaviour.
o If I abuse power, I can learn from others and change my behaviour.
o If abusive leaders do not change their behaviour, I can and will withdraw my support.
o By staying true to my values, I can serve others well and fulfill my potential.
o Thousands of courageous acts by followers can, one by one, improve the world.
o Courage always exists in the present. What can I do today?
(Excerpted from 'The Courageous Follower - Standing upto and for our Leaders' by Ira Chaleff)
Action speaks louder than words
Apply these principles of courageous behaviour in the workplace to enhance your image as a performer and become a brand loyal follower of your boss.
Do not convince - Be convinced
As Zig Ziglar rightly put it - 'Life is too short to spend your precious time trying to convince a person who wants to live in gloom and doom otherwise. Give lifting that person your best shot, but don't hang around long enough for his or her bad attitude to pull you down. Instead, surround yourself with optimistic people.'
Finally, in a democratic country, you will get what you deserve !
Office Gossip - Management Creates or Prevents
Office gossip has many forms, mostly bad, but it is management that sets the tone for any resulting good or evil. At its worst, office gossip is slanderous with appropriate penalties from termination to being sued for civil damages. Certainly the spreading of untruths is harmful to individuals and the work place culture. Office gossip in any form is a reflection of the manner in which management does or does not communicate with and/or support employees.
Workers look for control over their work output, recognition when deserved and security for their being and performance. Gossip in the workplace that is untrue undermines employee control, recognition and security. Most businesses have created written policies that address office gossip. However many businesses simply have policies on office gossip without an understanding how communication and processes either prevent or encourage office gossip.
What if the gossip is true? What if the president is having an affair with one of the sales people? What if the director indeed was arrested for drunken driving? What if the CEO tolerates senior management holing up in their offices with their cronies both tapping and feeding the gossip/rumor mill to protect their turf and/or smear rivals?
When a company culture is reticent to communications, is insensitive to processes that encourage performance output, employee recognition or job security, or tolerates bad character behavior, office gossip develops as employees feel left out of the organization, resent their management and lack confidence that the organization can compete for their long term employment security.
Most of the recent articles on office gossip target the problem as being the employee and in a few cases this may be true. However office gossip is a business cultural phenomenon and therefore the responsibility of management to prevent...not by hands off written policies but by accountable management behaviors that employees understand, respect and emulate. Key behaviors should be:
Management
-Communicate regularly with a consistent positive message. Industry trends, organizational changes and why done, new products, promotions, retirements. Newsletters and emails are just a start. Quarterly meetings by group/team with senior level managers sharing brief overviews allowing Q&A from employees. If reasonable questions surface, commit to timely responses and make sure answered. If information to be shared is less than positive, be direct and honest without a deceiving spin.
-Actions speak louder than words. Management must be visible, accessible and approachable. Too many managers hide in their offices, avoid employees and are purposely evasive when asked reasonable questions. Insecurity and fear in managers is unfortunately common, a reflection of their bosses hiring cronies without performance accountability and reluctance to make necessary management changes. If management wants what best for the organization than for themselves, they must behave accordingly. Daily interaction with employees is a must, saying hello, asking how a project is going and listening sincerely. Survey after survey reflect a majority of managers feel they do the right things but the majority of employees say otherwise.
-Carrots work better than sticks. Managers often reluctant to acknowledge good performance for fear of not getting credit or spoiling employees. Employees consistently tell surveys they hear nine negatives to any one positive from their managers. Praise builds teams and esteem, criticism divides and tears down.
-Stop internal competitions as only divide departments, employees and distract from a needed focus on core competencies and customer needs. Performance measures and rewards should be based on what value delivered to clients, not the trickle down politics of management.
Employees
-Take personal accountability for your performance. Employment is a privilege not an entitlement. Your company must be competitive in value and price which means constant changes including work done and employees required. Add value and your employment is secure... just float along and your job will be vulnerable. Gossiping to deflect attention from you to those offending or not respected often backfires on the gossiper.
-Office gossip is often juicy, fun and sometimes insightful...however it is better to focus on listening skills and speak only when can add value to organization. Either you have confidence and respect for your management or you leave... sticking around to gossip is a waste of your time now and potential elsewhere.
-Avoid labeling fellow employees. Prejudice, bias, hard feelings, jealousies and the like bring no value to the organization and only reflects poorly on offending employees...as well as being potentially libelous. Interesting to see someone label an employee as a "backstabber" but then what does that make them? As the old saying goes, be careful when you point a finger as then there are three more pointing back at you.
The presence of office gossip should be seen by management as a reflection of their performance and organizational effectiveness. The more prevalent gossip, no doubt the more human resource issues will surface and work performance sink. The problem should be addressed with more emphasis on clear, consistent communications and sincere management involvement with employees. Stated policies against office gossip with strong penalties only increase employee distrust and diminishes any respect as management appears insensitive to the needs of employee communications, understanding, recognition and mutual respect and security...encouraging, much less diminishing the gossip.
Change will be a constant in the workplace reflecting the marketplace and competition. Companies that embrace employees as sources of fresh ideas for products, services, enhancements, productivity, are reaping the rewards of change. Management insecurity and fears are a reflection of the leadership of owners, board and senior officers who fear change. Old economy command and control organizations are breading grounds for office gossip. New economy entrepreneurial organizations embrace change, moving so quickly, with incentised participants to a common cause, that there is simply no time for office gossip, just great performance numbers, job security and recognition from many quarters.
Management must accept accountability of their actions/inactions that create a culture where gossip can either thrive or diminish. Employees must accept responsibility for their livelihoods and deliver their best value where at, or change to an employer more appreciative of their deliverables.
Workers look for control over their work output, recognition when deserved and security for their being and performance. Gossip in the workplace that is untrue undermines employee control, recognition and security. Most businesses have created written policies that address office gossip. However many businesses simply have policies on office gossip without an understanding how communication and processes either prevent or encourage office gossip.
What if the gossip is true? What if the president is having an affair with one of the sales people? What if the director indeed was arrested for drunken driving? What if the CEO tolerates senior management holing up in their offices with their cronies both tapping and feeding the gossip/rumor mill to protect their turf and/or smear rivals?
When a company culture is reticent to communications, is insensitive to processes that encourage performance output, employee recognition or job security, or tolerates bad character behavior, office gossip develops as employees feel left out of the organization, resent their management and lack confidence that the organization can compete for their long term employment security.
Most of the recent articles on office gossip target the problem as being the employee and in a few cases this may be true. However office gossip is a business cultural phenomenon and therefore the responsibility of management to prevent...not by hands off written policies but by accountable management behaviors that employees understand, respect and emulate. Key behaviors should be:
Management
-Communicate regularly with a consistent positive message. Industry trends, organizational changes and why done, new products, promotions, retirements. Newsletters and emails are just a start. Quarterly meetings by group/team with senior level managers sharing brief overviews allowing Q&A from employees. If reasonable questions surface, commit to timely responses and make sure answered. If information to be shared is less than positive, be direct and honest without a deceiving spin.
-Actions speak louder than words. Management must be visible, accessible and approachable. Too many managers hide in their offices, avoid employees and are purposely evasive when asked reasonable questions. Insecurity and fear in managers is unfortunately common, a reflection of their bosses hiring cronies without performance accountability and reluctance to make necessary management changes. If management wants what best for the organization than for themselves, they must behave accordingly. Daily interaction with employees is a must, saying hello, asking how a project is going and listening sincerely. Survey after survey reflect a majority of managers feel they do the right things but the majority of employees say otherwise.
-Carrots work better than sticks. Managers often reluctant to acknowledge good performance for fear of not getting credit or spoiling employees. Employees consistently tell surveys they hear nine negatives to any one positive from their managers. Praise builds teams and esteem, criticism divides and tears down.
-Stop internal competitions as only divide departments, employees and distract from a needed focus on core competencies and customer needs. Performance measures and rewards should be based on what value delivered to clients, not the trickle down politics of management.
Employees
-Take personal accountability for your performance. Employment is a privilege not an entitlement. Your company must be competitive in value and price which means constant changes including work done and employees required. Add value and your employment is secure... just float along and your job will be vulnerable. Gossiping to deflect attention from you to those offending or not respected often backfires on the gossiper.
-Office gossip is often juicy, fun and sometimes insightful...however it is better to focus on listening skills and speak only when can add value to organization. Either you have confidence and respect for your management or you leave... sticking around to gossip is a waste of your time now and potential elsewhere.
-Avoid labeling fellow employees. Prejudice, bias, hard feelings, jealousies and the like bring no value to the organization and only reflects poorly on offending employees...as well as being potentially libelous. Interesting to see someone label an employee as a "backstabber" but then what does that make them? As the old saying goes, be careful when you point a finger as then there are three more pointing back at you.
The presence of office gossip should be seen by management as a reflection of their performance and organizational effectiveness. The more prevalent gossip, no doubt the more human resource issues will surface and work performance sink. The problem should be addressed with more emphasis on clear, consistent communications and sincere management involvement with employees. Stated policies against office gossip with strong penalties only increase employee distrust and diminishes any respect as management appears insensitive to the needs of employee communications, understanding, recognition and mutual respect and security...encouraging, much less diminishing the gossip.
Change will be a constant in the workplace reflecting the marketplace and competition. Companies that embrace employees as sources of fresh ideas for products, services, enhancements, productivity, are reaping the rewards of change. Management insecurity and fears are a reflection of the leadership of owners, board and senior officers who fear change. Old economy command and control organizations are breading grounds for office gossip. New economy entrepreneurial organizations embrace change, moving so quickly, with incentised participants to a common cause, that there is simply no time for office gossip, just great performance numbers, job security and recognition from many quarters.
Management must accept accountability of their actions/inactions that create a culture where gossip can either thrive or diminish. Employees must accept responsibility for their livelihoods and deliver their best value where at, or change to an employer more appreciative of their deliverables.
Live Your Life
"I'm Living my life" answered famous movie actor Akshay Kumar when being asked about the ups and down of his career. I found his answer to be very deep and profound. Instead of sulking over ups and downs of life, he adopted a neutral stance. He accepted them as a way of life which is indispensable to succeed.
Most of the time, as i have seen, most people spend their most of time judging the events of their life. They spend their life classifying their experiences as good or bad. Doing so, they are not wasting their precious time but also leveraging on creating a niche for unsuccessful and miserable life.
Life's ups and downs are part of life. They are part of path we are on. It, therefore, just doesn't make any sense judging the events and experiences of life.
Ups and down comes in everyone's life. Everyone has had their fair share of difficult time. Everyone who is starving to achieve success has to face some form of adversity at some or other point. Hence, there's no point in fighting with it. Just accept ups and down as a way of life, as a part of life. As one philosopher aptly observed many years ago, "Life is full of ups and downs. The trick is to enjoy the ups and have courage during the downs."
Accept the fact that life is mixture of happiness, sorrows, success, failures, and disappointments. Accept both sides of life. Savor the moment rather than thinking ahead of next event or circumstance in your life. Appreciate "HERE AND NOW" instead of dwelling over "HOW AND WHEN".
Remember, Failures are nothing more than an opportunity to succeed, tragedies are nothing more than a lucky chance to learn important lessons from and problems are really nothing more than a favorable circumstance for growth and success.
Most of the time, as i have seen, most people spend their most of time judging the events of their life. They spend their life classifying their experiences as good or bad. Doing so, they are not wasting their precious time but also leveraging on creating a niche for unsuccessful and miserable life.
Life's ups and downs are part of life. They are part of path we are on. It, therefore, just doesn't make any sense judging the events and experiences of life.
Ups and down comes in everyone's life. Everyone has had their fair share of difficult time. Everyone who is starving to achieve success has to face some form of adversity at some or other point. Hence, there's no point in fighting with it. Just accept ups and down as a way of life, as a part of life. As one philosopher aptly observed many years ago, "Life is full of ups and downs. The trick is to enjoy the ups and have courage during the downs."
Accept the fact that life is mixture of happiness, sorrows, success, failures, and disappointments. Accept both sides of life. Savor the moment rather than thinking ahead of next event or circumstance in your life. Appreciate "HERE AND NOW" instead of dwelling over "HOW AND WHEN".
Remember, Failures are nothing more than an opportunity to succeed, tragedies are nothing more than a lucky chance to learn important lessons from and problems are really nothing more than a favorable circumstance for growth and success.
Get Gossip Out of Your Life
Gossiping can suck the zest out of your spirit. Gossip is mean-spirited and little-minded; its goal is to make the gossipers feel superior to the gossiped-about. It is seductive, addictive and a way of bonding with other gossipers, all while pulling you down to the lowest spiritual common denominator.
Gently observe your interactions with others, and catch yourself if you feel you are getting sucked into gossip.
What Is Gossip?
Let's define what gossip is and is not. Gossip is judgmental chit-chat about another person or group. It is conversation that lacks compassion for the other party, and sets up an "us versus them" mentality. It pits one viewpoint against another, with that of the gossipers as better than the others.
Gossip tends to make the gossipers feel better by stroking their egos. It severs the gossiper's connection to their true essence, which is love.
Gossip sounds like this: "I can't believe our neighbors put out those hideous pink flamingo sculptures in their front yard! It looks so trashy! They even have wings that rotate in the wind and make the worst noise. What horrid taste! Can you believe it?"
What Gossip Is Not
Observations, on the other hand, are more neutral statements of how you see a situation or a person. We are presented with much diversity in our world and our experiences, and our job is to decide what experiences, attitudes, perceptions and people we want to welcome into our lives. We must discern which path will be ours.
Observations can include a discernment statement, such as, "Our neighbors put up pink flamingos in their front yard. That's not my style, so I won't be doing the same." The observation includes an implicit respect for the other person's tastes or decisions, acknowledging that we all have our foibles.
Don't Get Sucked In
So what can you do when other people are trying to suck you into a gossip session? Here are some suggestions:
1. Be aware.
In order to do anything, you have to be aware of what is going on. Gossip has a different energy from observations, so start observing your feelings and your spirit as you converse with others. Try to discern whether the conversation has the heavy, judgmental feel of gossip or is still in the energy range of non-judgmental observations. Be gentle with yourself - we all gossip from time to time, but the first step to a gossip-free, more spirit-filled life is to be aware of when it happens.
2. Be silent.
I have a friend who is my personal gossip police, even though she doesn't know it. Every time I steer our conversation toward even a mildly gossipy statement, she gives me a look (that I now recognize) and says nothing. I know I need to shut up - fast - before I jump over the precipice into that nasty river of hatefulness and judgment. Practice being silent - it can be highly effective with people who are sensitive to the ill effects of gossip.
3. Use shock and awe statements.
I remember being a software support representative in San Francisco in the mid-1980's - not so long after the Summer of Love and its infamy. I was on the phone with a customer who asked where we were located. When I told him our office was in San Francisco, he spewed, "Oh yeah, the city of fruits and nuts!" Rather than follow his lead, I replied with a shock and awe statement that shut him up, "Yes, San Franciscans accepts everyone's eccentricities, including mine."
4. Refuse to engage.
This is highly effective. It's like a martial art - you deflect the attack and turn the energy away from danger. You do this in conversation either by changing the subject or replying to a judgmental statement with a neutral observation.
Be your own gossip police and put a stop to gossip's negative energy in your life!
Gently observe your interactions with others, and catch yourself if you feel you are getting sucked into gossip.
What Is Gossip?
Let's define what gossip is and is not. Gossip is judgmental chit-chat about another person or group. It is conversation that lacks compassion for the other party, and sets up an "us versus them" mentality. It pits one viewpoint against another, with that of the gossipers as better than the others.
Gossip tends to make the gossipers feel better by stroking their egos. It severs the gossiper's connection to their true essence, which is love.
Gossip sounds like this: "I can't believe our neighbors put out those hideous pink flamingo sculptures in their front yard! It looks so trashy! They even have wings that rotate in the wind and make the worst noise. What horrid taste! Can you believe it?"
What Gossip Is Not
Observations, on the other hand, are more neutral statements of how you see a situation or a person. We are presented with much diversity in our world and our experiences, and our job is to decide what experiences, attitudes, perceptions and people we want to welcome into our lives. We must discern which path will be ours.
Observations can include a discernment statement, such as, "Our neighbors put up pink flamingos in their front yard. That's not my style, so I won't be doing the same." The observation includes an implicit respect for the other person's tastes or decisions, acknowledging that we all have our foibles.
Don't Get Sucked In
So what can you do when other people are trying to suck you into a gossip session? Here are some suggestions:
1. Be aware.
In order to do anything, you have to be aware of what is going on. Gossip has a different energy from observations, so start observing your feelings and your spirit as you converse with others. Try to discern whether the conversation has the heavy, judgmental feel of gossip or is still in the energy range of non-judgmental observations. Be gentle with yourself - we all gossip from time to time, but the first step to a gossip-free, more spirit-filled life is to be aware of when it happens.
2. Be silent.
I have a friend who is my personal gossip police, even though she doesn't know it. Every time I steer our conversation toward even a mildly gossipy statement, she gives me a look (that I now recognize) and says nothing. I know I need to shut up - fast - before I jump over the precipice into that nasty river of hatefulness and judgment. Practice being silent - it can be highly effective with people who are sensitive to the ill effects of gossip.
3. Use shock and awe statements.
I remember being a software support representative in San Francisco in the mid-1980's - not so long after the Summer of Love and its infamy. I was on the phone with a customer who asked where we were located. When I told him our office was in San Francisco, he spewed, "Oh yeah, the city of fruits and nuts!" Rather than follow his lead, I replied with a shock and awe statement that shut him up, "Yes, San Franciscans accepts everyone's eccentricities, including mine."
4. Refuse to engage.
This is highly effective. It's like a martial art - you deflect the attack and turn the energy away from danger. You do this in conversation either by changing the subject or replying to a judgmental statement with a neutral observation.
Be your own gossip police and put a stop to gossip's negative energy in your life!
Why Gossip Never Enriches Your Life
Have you ever tried demoting your self to others? I do not think a person who has a sensible mind will do that. But we do not hesitate to gossip about others. We do not give a second thought. We freely gossip about others every single moment of our lives.
You can do a search at the blogospher right now how many gossip blogs and websites: girl gossip; celebrity gossip; online gossip. It is an effortless pursuit. But it does not enrich one's life.
Togetherness At A Risk
Gossip is good only when the information creates value to either party. For example, you know there is a guy Mr Rock who is very good in attracting opposite sex. If I were to gossip about Mr Rock to another colleague(Ms Farah) of mine, then I am putting myself in a very risky situation. I have to maintain a good rapport with Ms Farah. Otherwise, she will probably disclose what I have said about Mr Rock to Mr Rock. Gossiping is a risky affair. The moment of togetherness by gossiping will be forgotten if your rapport becomes rusty with the one you have gossiped with.
You will say 'ok I will manage my rapport with all the staff and carry on with my gossiping'. Bear in mind all of us are emotional being. We judge others based on our emotion. If you are happy, the relationship will be good. Unless you ask a better questions everyday to stay happy, our rapport is guided by our emotion.
Gossiper Becomes A Ghost!
If 'A' gossip to 'B', then 'B' will have a second thought of having a transparent relationship with 'A'. This is because 'B' fears 'A' will one day gossip about 'B' to others. This is natural.
In order to have a good relationship with anyone, stay away from gossiping. It mars your character for good.
Beat Boredom
You will say you want to beat off that boredom. So start the easy way out by gossiping. But think again. If you're bored the only possible reason is that you have nothing to look forward to in life. You have no goal or goals. The antidote, therefore, is to change the way you are living. Create a goal. Perhaps you want to earn $100.000 salary per year. You can plan to buy a bigger house by the sea. You can travel with your family to all Europe by rail.
The subject and the gossiper are on the same boat
The next time you feel bored, don't kill it by gossiping. Rather find a new goal or two so that you can enrich your life by it.
Time Killed
The previous point and this one are quite related. If you're bored it means you have all the time in the world. But time can be spent in a positive way. Perhaps you can learn about blogs. You can learn to paint the portrait of Mona Lisa. You can learn how to write poems.
Learn something new and make it into a hobby. In this manner time is spent constructively. Gossiping is a real time waster.
Gossiping Better Than Aggression
Gossip is also a way of venting vengeance on someone by talking bad about them to others. The other party usually doesn't know that he has hurt you. If you are hurt, do something useful to patch back relationship than seeking vengeance.
Inform that person that his actions and words had caused hurt in you. He will probably think that you are the person who does not keep anything in the heart. Transparency helps to bond relationship. Be open with what you think about that person. In this way, you will have many friends and relationships. Gossiping is never better than aggression. The result of gossiping and being aggressive are the same.
Gossip Serves As Information
It is information but it is not constructive information. Information is factual and useful. Most gossip is mixed with emotion. You have to filter out the emotion from the information. Only then you will be able to take action on the facts.
Gossip can become dangerous if the affected party's values got dented in the process. The affected party can use your tactics and spoil your good name. Is it necessary?
Office Gossips, How Can You Prevent it?
Firstly, what is gossip? Wikipedia defines gossip as rumors about personal or private affairs of others. It is the most common means of sharing facts and views, but also has a reputation for errors.
Gossip can be productive but always destructive. While some gossip does have truth in it, most of them are filled with false and misleading information. Most of the times, we tend to indulge ourselves to chitchats that sometimes we forget to stop. Expect no understanding, no trust and no respect of other co-worker's position if gossip is present in your workplace. This article will help you control your cravings for gossips especially at office. Let me first give you the common causes of destructive gossips.
Jealousy
People tend to make up stories which are usually not true. "Crab mentality" is a very familiar word to you. One can become so jealous about their co-workers at office maybe because of insecurities or they feel the person was more inferior to them but they are the one who are getting the limelight.
Discrimination
Most people discriminates others furiously. Local dialect speaking people, religious people, nerd and ugly people, homosexuals, these people have their own distinction of criticism and unfair treatment. The gossiper is very much aware of discriminating these kind of people, but does not care at all. Discrimination is at abundance in almost every organization.
And lastly, the most common cause of gossip,
Romance or Affection
Truly, this is the hottest topic in every gossip I heard at my workplace. I supposed you also do? We like to hear almost every type of romance gossip we could get. It could be from lovers, bachelors, straight and bisexual romance, and of course, the adulterers - the most forbidden of them all and the most talk about. Public display of affection is the main reason for this. If you don't show it, there will be no gossip. Simple right?
The effect of these Gossips can be disturbing to some and can impact a permanent damage to a person's life. Gossiping at workplace can also have a very bad effect on the organization as a whole. Malicious gossip can break the company's vision of a smooth and harmonious relationship. It creates a very uncomfortable atmosphere for everyone and makes people unproductive and takes away their passion for work.
So how can you get rid of these destructive gossips? What should the company do to eliminate, if not, minimize these gossips? I suggest that we put duck tape in every employee's mouth or bite your tongue just to say nothing. Just kidding.
I, myself, have been a victim of these gossips in my present workplace. Gossips like I am a loner, a complainer, irritable person and a mean person. People just cannot live without these derogatory remarks against me. But I have live with it for the meantime hoping that they 'all just get tired of it. Fortunately, they have not. They continue to stab me with these gossips. But I don't mind them anymore. I let them feel that I am not affected of their no-truth at all remarks.
Let me site some keys how to handle gossips effectively based on my experience.
Do not take another's comments personally.
Listen to gossips with compassion not with tolerance.
Look for the best in people, not the worst side of them.
Acknowledge people.
Communicate upsets to resolve conflicts.
People have to communicate their upsets and disappointments in an appropriate manner so that progress can be achieved. Also, honest communication is one of the most important keys to building lasting relationships between co-workers and keeping gossip from invading your workplace. Conflicts, differences and arguments must be resolved early to prevent it from spreading like a plague.
Now, finding the exact source of gossip can be one of the best steps in eliminating office gossips. Sources that we all know we started, of course it was intended to be. To avoid gossip to ever occur, you need to be very careful about the information that you share with your co-workers. Keeping a few things for yourself is very important. Some things are better unsaid and we need to be picky about what information needs to be shared and what is not to be.
Try not to be a part of the office gossip. Limit your association with people who gossip. When someone comes and gossips to you, avoid passing it on. Let the gossip end with you. Don't involve in gossip yourself. Don't start to make immoral doings or unnecessary acts within the office and places just outside the company's premises, because this will only start hideous gossip topics and may sometimes put your dignity at risk. So please, prevent awkward situations.
For the management part, I suggest the following.
Be transparent. If the management often hears same old gossips over and over again, they should device a plan how to control the said gossip and investigate the gossip to further eliminates it from spreading. Recognize the harmful gossips from productive gossips and create policies from it.
Be approachable. If one employee complaints regarding gossip involving him/her, lend an ear and keep in touch with that employee. Remember, the company that cares with its workers also does the same for the company. And avoid favoritism.
Conduct regular meetings. Reminding the employees the rules and policies are essential to minimize gossip and in turn be productive. Create policies specifically designed for gossips.
Orientation for new employees. It is very essential for new employees to be informed the strict rules and policies of the company. They need to understand the culture of their new workplace and the personalities of their new colleagues.
Lasting thoughts, an office gossip comes with consequences. It can lead to office suspension when found to be the source of the gossip. Be responsible on what you say or hear in your workplace. Always be neutral on everything. Concentrate on your work and earn your living in an honest manner. Diplomatic approach is the best way when facing these gossips.
Hope my article helped you prevent gossips effectively.
Gossip can be productive but always destructive. While some gossip does have truth in it, most of them are filled with false and misleading information. Most of the times, we tend to indulge ourselves to chitchats that sometimes we forget to stop. Expect no understanding, no trust and no respect of other co-worker's position if gossip is present in your workplace. This article will help you control your cravings for gossips especially at office. Let me first give you the common causes of destructive gossips.
Jealousy
People tend to make up stories which are usually not true. "Crab mentality" is a very familiar word to you. One can become so jealous about their co-workers at office maybe because of insecurities or they feel the person was more inferior to them but they are the one who are getting the limelight.
Discrimination
Most people discriminates others furiously. Local dialect speaking people, religious people, nerd and ugly people, homosexuals, these people have their own distinction of criticism and unfair treatment. The gossiper is very much aware of discriminating these kind of people, but does not care at all. Discrimination is at abundance in almost every organization.
And lastly, the most common cause of gossip,
Romance or Affection
Truly, this is the hottest topic in every gossip I heard at my workplace. I supposed you also do? We like to hear almost every type of romance gossip we could get. It could be from lovers, bachelors, straight and bisexual romance, and of course, the adulterers - the most forbidden of them all and the most talk about. Public display of affection is the main reason for this. If you don't show it, there will be no gossip. Simple right?
The effect of these Gossips can be disturbing to some and can impact a permanent damage to a person's life. Gossiping at workplace can also have a very bad effect on the organization as a whole. Malicious gossip can break the company's vision of a smooth and harmonious relationship. It creates a very uncomfortable atmosphere for everyone and makes people unproductive and takes away their passion for work.
So how can you get rid of these destructive gossips? What should the company do to eliminate, if not, minimize these gossips? I suggest that we put duck tape in every employee's mouth or bite your tongue just to say nothing. Just kidding.
I, myself, have been a victim of these gossips in my present workplace. Gossips like I am a loner, a complainer, irritable person and a mean person. People just cannot live without these derogatory remarks against me. But I have live with it for the meantime hoping that they 'all just get tired of it. Fortunately, they have not. They continue to stab me with these gossips. But I don't mind them anymore. I let them feel that I am not affected of their no-truth at all remarks.
Let me site some keys how to handle gossips effectively based on my experience.
Do not take another's comments personally.
Listen to gossips with compassion not with tolerance.
Look for the best in people, not the worst side of them.
Acknowledge people.
Communicate upsets to resolve conflicts.
People have to communicate their upsets and disappointments in an appropriate manner so that progress can be achieved. Also, honest communication is one of the most important keys to building lasting relationships between co-workers and keeping gossip from invading your workplace. Conflicts, differences and arguments must be resolved early to prevent it from spreading like a plague.
Now, finding the exact source of gossip can be one of the best steps in eliminating office gossips. Sources that we all know we started, of course it was intended to be. To avoid gossip to ever occur, you need to be very careful about the information that you share with your co-workers. Keeping a few things for yourself is very important. Some things are better unsaid and we need to be picky about what information needs to be shared and what is not to be.
Try not to be a part of the office gossip. Limit your association with people who gossip. When someone comes and gossips to you, avoid passing it on. Let the gossip end with you. Don't involve in gossip yourself. Don't start to make immoral doings or unnecessary acts within the office and places just outside the company's premises, because this will only start hideous gossip topics and may sometimes put your dignity at risk. So please, prevent awkward situations.
For the management part, I suggest the following.
Be transparent. If the management often hears same old gossips over and over again, they should device a plan how to control the said gossip and investigate the gossip to further eliminates it from spreading. Recognize the harmful gossips from productive gossips and create policies from it.
Be approachable. If one employee complaints regarding gossip involving him/her, lend an ear and keep in touch with that employee. Remember, the company that cares with its workers also does the same for the company. And avoid favoritism.
Conduct regular meetings. Reminding the employees the rules and policies are essential to minimize gossip and in turn be productive. Create policies specifically designed for gossips.
Orientation for new employees. It is very essential for new employees to be informed the strict rules and policies of the company. They need to understand the culture of their new workplace and the personalities of their new colleagues.
Lasting thoughts, an office gossip comes with consequences. It can lead to office suspension when found to be the source of the gossip. Be responsible on what you say or hear in your workplace. Always be neutral on everything. Concentrate on your work and earn your living in an honest manner. Diplomatic approach is the best way when facing these gossips.
Hope my article helped you prevent gossips effectively.
How to Deal With the Negative Effects of Gossip
The vast amount of magazines detailing the lives and loves of stars and celebrities shows that many of us love gossip. We love to hear and read about other people, especially if it involves an actor or actress' body size or love affair. And this hunger for gossip seems to be increasing.
But very few of us stop to think about the negative effects of gossip. When it concerns celebrities, it is often viewed as entertainment, simply a part of show business that is accessible to everyone, but how would you feel if YOU were the subject of gossip. You probably have been gossiped about in the past by people who know you and it is likely you have gossiped too. Gossip seems to be a pass time that appeals to most people - it can be a way of bonding with others, allying and forming friendships, gaining attention and amusing ourselves at another's expense. Many will argue that everyone gossips and that gossip is harmless. But the latter is far from true.
Gossip is often a sure fire way to damage a relationship. When you talk about someone behind their back relaying bad news or criticisms to someone else, you are creating negativity in that relationship. Most gossip comes from fear, anger or jealousy and the perpetrator is often seeking confirmation of their opinion when they gossip. They want others' agreement and validation. They want to hear other people agree with their gripes and have them add to the gossip.
The negative effects of gossip are pretty well known. We all know it can damage reputations and cause a lot of hurt, but it doesn't stop us from doing it. This is partly because gossiping is so easy to do and offers instant, but temporary gratification to the gossiper. It relieves anger they cannot express in any other way about the person they are gossiping about. Gossiping is the coward's way of expressing anger and it's also a sign that the gossiper really doesn't have enough going on in their own lives! What better way to entertain ourselves than gossip about others! Yet this tactic often backfires, especially if the gossip gets back to the person gossiped about in the first place.
Also, the gossiper is likely, in time, to feel bad about themselves. Remember that gossip offers only temporary gratification. It is not long before the gossiper begins to feel the negative effect on their self esteem. The effort spent gossiping would be put to better use trying to build up their confidence and self esteem in constructive ways.
So how do we deal with gossip in general and the negative effects of gossip? Well, firstly you need to be prepared to not participate in gossip in any shape or form. This means not being the first person to introduce a new gossip topic and it also means not adding fuel to the fire by joining in on any gossip you hear. This can be hard as we are surrounded by lots of gossip, but take one day at a time and soon it will become easier.
Make it clear to others that you will not participate in gossip at all and that you don't want to listen to any gossip. This can be scary as gossip is often a (unhealthy) way of bonding friendships and groups. Be courageous and stand your ground. Don't be a willing participant - walk away from the gossiper if needs be. Of course, there is a chance that they might begin to gossip about you as a result, but by simply being aware that this behaviour reflects negatively on them and not you will keep you motivated.
If for some reason you cannot detach yourself from a gossiper at that exact moment, make a point of trying to defend the person they are gossiping about by throwing in a question or comment that turns the gossip on its head. Gossipers needs supportive listeners and are unlikely to continue if their gossip and point of view is being challenged.
But very few of us stop to think about the negative effects of gossip. When it concerns celebrities, it is often viewed as entertainment, simply a part of show business that is accessible to everyone, but how would you feel if YOU were the subject of gossip. You probably have been gossiped about in the past by people who know you and it is likely you have gossiped too. Gossip seems to be a pass time that appeals to most people - it can be a way of bonding with others, allying and forming friendships, gaining attention and amusing ourselves at another's expense. Many will argue that everyone gossips and that gossip is harmless. But the latter is far from true.
Gossip is often a sure fire way to damage a relationship. When you talk about someone behind their back relaying bad news or criticisms to someone else, you are creating negativity in that relationship. Most gossip comes from fear, anger or jealousy and the perpetrator is often seeking confirmation of their opinion when they gossip. They want others' agreement and validation. They want to hear other people agree with their gripes and have them add to the gossip.
The negative effects of gossip are pretty well known. We all know it can damage reputations and cause a lot of hurt, but it doesn't stop us from doing it. This is partly because gossiping is so easy to do and offers instant, but temporary gratification to the gossiper. It relieves anger they cannot express in any other way about the person they are gossiping about. Gossiping is the coward's way of expressing anger and it's also a sign that the gossiper really doesn't have enough going on in their own lives! What better way to entertain ourselves than gossip about others! Yet this tactic often backfires, especially if the gossip gets back to the person gossiped about in the first place.
Also, the gossiper is likely, in time, to feel bad about themselves. Remember that gossip offers only temporary gratification. It is not long before the gossiper begins to feel the negative effect on their self esteem. The effort spent gossiping would be put to better use trying to build up their confidence and self esteem in constructive ways.
So how do we deal with gossip in general and the negative effects of gossip? Well, firstly you need to be prepared to not participate in gossip in any shape or form. This means not being the first person to introduce a new gossip topic and it also means not adding fuel to the fire by joining in on any gossip you hear. This can be hard as we are surrounded by lots of gossip, but take one day at a time and soon it will become easier.
Make it clear to others that you will not participate in gossip at all and that you don't want to listen to any gossip. This can be scary as gossip is often a (unhealthy) way of bonding friendships and groups. Be courageous and stand your ground. Don't be a willing participant - walk away from the gossiper if needs be. Of course, there is a chance that they might begin to gossip about you as a result, but by simply being aware that this behaviour reflects negatively on them and not you will keep you motivated.
Own Your Ears! Keys to Sifting the Truth from Gossip Groups
You big, fat bully! Wow. What an earful you just got. And how did that feel to you? Not nice, I am sure. I will bet that you never thought that you did not own your own ears. Truth is, sometimes your ears belong to someone else and you do not even know it. In hurried times, busy days and in large bustling cities, our ears and eyes take in so much information, literature and resources in one single day that sometimes we relinquish our ears to those who have the biggest mouths.
Busy, busy and No Time For Reflection: What I am saying is that sometimes when we are too busy and our days are too filled with activities we tend to just listen to what people are saying instead of finding out the truth ourselves. Sometimes even our own friends can lead us astray by what they say about other people. We listen to our friends and we trust what they say. That is a given. After all, who would not trust their friends? The problem with this process is that today in our cities, we too quickly call someone a friend, when they are not a friend.
You have acquaintances at work and at school who are just that. They begin as acquaintances. But they are not true friends until we really get to know them, and they get to know us. You cannot be a friend to someone who is in a message board or chat room where you know little about them. And even if you happen to go to school with them, you need to know a little bit about them before you trust their every single word.
Your Listening Skills: So, when listening to what people say about other people (we should stop right there) , you need to decipher for yourself what is true and what is not true. If your friend (acquaintance) says something about someone and then continues to play the childish game of he said,she said, he said , instead of allowing you to make your own decisions or make your own judgments, then that person is obviously not a real friend to you or to anyone else. The process that I just described is the process of gossip.
All Gossip is Gossip, whether it is true or false; it is all gossip: What some do not realize is that some gossip can be true and some gossip can be false but in the end, all gossip is just that gossip. In our fast-paced society, in our vastly-growing cities, people tend to leave their brains open to anything that is out there. And they do not realize that they are being brainwashed by whatever anyone else wants them to take in. There is so much gossip out there. There is gossip in our schools, workplaces, places that we volunteer in; there is even gossip in our churches, and in our church meetings. It seems like there is no limit to the places where gossip rests its' ugly head.
Gossip in Groups, Message Boards & Chat Rooms: These kinds of places usually consist of three kinds of people. In these places you have a handful of your normal or average people, a handful of non-participating people -- usually the listeners and the followers, and then you have a microscopic handful of gossipers, attention-seekers, and trouble-makers. Most the group or chat room are what you would consider okay while the microscopic handful of the rest are there for the sole purpose of bringing attention to themselves and at the same time finding a scapegoat for their own inadequacies, failures and personal problems. These are the kinds that begin the gossip and begin the trouble in these places.
How Do You Differentiate? If you just listen and observe for a while, you can see which persons consistently put people down, call people names, insult people and belittle people. These are the bullies in the groups and chat rooms and even in some message boards. Sometimes what happens is that you can have a friend (acquaintance) in these places that is part of the bullying and you never noticed that about them before. But if you read his messages or posts you will see that he is constantly calling someone names, or belittling them. This gossiper, troublemaker will do his best to make others in the group think that someone else is the problem. When in reality, the gossiper is the problem and the gossiper is the troublemaker. But you, being his friend, believe his gossip and begin to side with him. And that begins a roller coaster of many people in the group joining behind the gossiper thinking that the gossiper is the one who is correct in all his judgments. Wrong. It just seems that way. Appearances can be deceiving. And everything is not always as it seems.
Solutions? The solution to this simple problem is to examine the situation yourself, and make your own judgments rather than listening to anyone else's words about someone else or about some situation. If something happened and you want to know what really happened, then go right to the source, do not ask someone else what happened. For example, once there was a group and one person in the group began to say things about a group member. That group member chose to ignore the verbal attacker. What happened was that other group members saw the typing and the messages of the gossiper and they began to think that what the gossiper was saying was truth. (He would type sentences like, mary said this or mary wants this or that . As soon as you see a person typing like that in a group or chatroom, do not assume that what he is saying about Mary is true. On the other hand you can know that your friend (the one that typed about Mary) is a gossiper. Yes, that person is telling gossip, whether the statements are true or false, you are in the presence of someone who gossips. And know that once that person gossips about someone, they will surely gossip about you next. If you want to know what Mary is really like or what Mary said, indeed ask Mary. But do not ask her in the same room or message board that the gossiper has posted his attacks in. The solution to this very simple problem is to stop listening to gossip,period. Another solution is facing the gossiper and telling them that you do not want to hear about it anymore. Just tell them flat out that you do not listen to gossip. Now, that will shock him, as most people do not have the courage to say that to a person who habitually gossips. But you do have the courage, so bravo!
Gossipers are bullies: Did you wince at that? The bottom line is that gossipers and bullies are sometimes just as harmful to society. So forget the wincing and make it your decision to stop listening to the gossipers. The reason that gossipers are bullies is because the whole aim and goal of a bully is to control something. They want to control either a situation or a person or something in between, but they do want to control something. Most times they have lost control of their own situations, homes, families or even of their own self-control. And so they graduate from no self-control to trying to control others by bullying them. So, next time you see a gossiper, know that person is a bully and keep on walking by if you do not have the courage to confront that person with the truth. Your life will be less complicated and you will have more joy if you just stop listening to gossipers (bullies). When people begin talking about other people, they want you to think a certain way about them. If you think for yourself and use your own ears and own your own ears, you are one step ahead of the gossiper.
Making Your Own Decisions: When a person gossips about one or two individuals, instead of listening to the gossip, pause, and observe the person for yourself. You will learn more that way than you will learn by listening to some gossip from a bully. When you accept the bully's judgments and statements about people, then you give the bully power and you begin to alienate people around you. Why? Because as time passes, others will see that the bully was just trying to control people, and then you will be left standing there, on the outside of the circle because you listened to two-cents worth of gossip.
How to React To Gossip: You have many options and you have many ways that you can react to gossip. This is a short list of some of the ways that you have available to you right now:
Thoughts that Help: These are ways that you can help stop gossipers and bullies. And these ways stop the gossip even if the gossiper is your friend or co-worker. If you can't seem to find the courage to avoid listening to gossip, you might try remembering that the Bible teaches us to avoid talking about people and to avoid harming our neighbors. In fact, the Bible says that we should love our neighbor as we love ourselves. Knowing that you probably love yourself, then you probably would think that you would love your neighbor Mary enough to refrain from spreading gossip about her. So even if you do not have the strength to come forward and face the bully, surely you have the strength to remember your faith in God. Once that you remember your faith in God and once you remember that God is stronger than any bully you will ever meet, then you too can do what is right. Even when it is hard to do what is right, you can do it. After all, wasn't it the Bible that clearly states, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me . So there you go, you have the strength to avoid spreading gossip and to avoid validating a bully, even if the bully was a friend of yours.Bullies Need Real Friends: Now, you do not want to totally isolate the bully or ignore him completely if he was a friend to you. If you feel that he has the capability to be sincere but perhaps just got out of bed on the wrong foot, perhaps you might talk with him about bullying and express your own feelings to him. If he is a reasonable person, he might listen. And then he might not. But just remember that perhaps he might need a friend too. Refrain from being his friend when he is in the process of bullying or gossiping. Tell him outright, that is gossiping and that is bullying and I want no part of you when you are doing that. Goodbye. He should get the message then and if he ever valued your friendship, he might refrain from being a bully just because he does not want to lose your friendship. Check this link about gossipers to get more information.
Learning About Yourself: I have learned about myself by writing this article. And what I realized is that I have gossiped myself without even realizing it. There was a time when I was speaking about someone, and felt free to speak about it because the topic was posted in an online group. At the time, I felt that was okay because it was posted. But now after reading my own words here on this screen, I realized how I must have sounded, repeating the gossip. Repeating stories or something that was posted online is still gossiping. It is all just not the right thing to do. And by writing this, I learn, or am reminded that it is so very easy to gossip about a person. Take any steps that you can take to safely, professionally stop gossip. Take that first step by not listening to it, and take the second step by not repeating it. Even if something is true, (like what was posted), it is still gossip if you repeat it. Gossip is spreading a story, item, fact or a lie, but the process of spreading it makes it gossip.
Leaving the Bully: If you must cut the friendship off because the bully just loves to bully people, then that is what you need to do for your life. Do what is right and good for you. Once you get the bullies and gossipers out of your life, you will have remarkably joyful, peaceful, creative and productive days and weeks ahead of you. You can do it. If only you would try, you can do it. I urge you to do only what is safe for you to do. Only you know what your real situation is and only you can decide which action or non-action you can take against a bully or gossiper. As always, only do what is completely safe for you to do. If you need help from a professional, call the operator and most likely he or she will refer you to someone who can help you. Remember that sometimes when you are ready to leave a bully or stop a friendship with a bully, they then might react to you and start to bully you. Perhaps that is why so many individuals are afraid of bullies. They think that if they back up the bully that leaves them protected from being bullied. But nothing is further from the truth. The truth is that friends and those closest to bullies are always targets when the bully looks around and gets bored. Even bullies get bored. Once they are bored with their original target, they will just move down on the food chain. Next? !
Facts!
One of the most important things that we need to know about bullies is that most times, and most likely, that bully is the biggest coward. Have you ever noticed that bullies always some a bunch of people with them or at least one other person when they gang up on someone or pick on someone? And have you noticed that when they are alone they do not assume their bullying role --unless they are bullying someone half their size or half their age? That alone should tell you that bullies are cowards and that strong people, emotionally and socially strong people, and people with normal or high self-esteem are not bullies.
Remember that the bully is a coward so do not even explain yourself to a bully. And always TELL! Yes, you heard me tell! Tell someone about the bully. They are cowards and someone needs to tell someone about them. It is ALWAYS okay to tell on a bully. And if the person that you tell does not listen to you or do something about it then you need to tell someone else and keep on telling until you make progress. Once the bullies are found out, the cowards usually go back into hiding.
Gossip Seems Harmless: In our society, people offend people in so many horrible ways that you have probably learned or thought that gossip is harmless. In a day and age when people are stabbing, shooting, and maiming one another, a little talk would seem harmless. But it is not. The pen is mightier than the sword. That old saying is tons of years old and yet still the truth. Ask any assassin of any peacemaker, the pen, the words live on, long after the body is dead. Martin, Abraham, John, Gandhi, all of their words live on throughout the whole world. Remembering that the pen is so much mightier than the sword might help you the next time that you are tempted to gossip about something or about someone. If you remember that the pen is mightier than the sword, then you will remember that your words of gossip can harm someone just as much as an attacker's fists. Refrain from all forms of gossip.
We, as a society, take gossip lightly because Hollywood and celebrities have tried to legitimize gossip. They glorify gossip and their fans around the world follow their pattern like the bunny rabbit follows the Captain around for that bunch of carrots. Gossip is not glorious, not pretty, not anything of value, and surely not Christian nor spiritual. This writing is a call to all Christians and to everyone who believes in any kind of God or spiritual faith, follow your leader and stop gossip in your own social circles. It is the right thing to do.
Busy, busy and No Time For Reflection: What I am saying is that sometimes when we are too busy and our days are too filled with activities we tend to just listen to what people are saying instead of finding out the truth ourselves. Sometimes even our own friends can lead us astray by what they say about other people. We listen to our friends and we trust what they say. That is a given. After all, who would not trust their friends? The problem with this process is that today in our cities, we too quickly call someone a friend, when they are not a friend.
You have acquaintances at work and at school who are just that. They begin as acquaintances. But they are not true friends until we really get to know them, and they get to know us. You cannot be a friend to someone who is in a message board or chat room where you know little about them. And even if you happen to go to school with them, you need to know a little bit about them before you trust their every single word.
Your Listening Skills: So, when listening to what people say about other people (we should stop right there) , you need to decipher for yourself what is true and what is not true. If your friend (acquaintance) says something about someone and then continues to play the childish game of he said,she said, he said , instead of allowing you to make your own decisions or make your own judgments, then that person is obviously not a real friend to you or to anyone else. The process that I just described is the process of gossip.
All Gossip is Gossip, whether it is true or false; it is all gossip: What some do not realize is that some gossip can be true and some gossip can be false but in the end, all gossip is just that gossip. In our fast-paced society, in our vastly-growing cities, people tend to leave their brains open to anything that is out there. And they do not realize that they are being brainwashed by whatever anyone else wants them to take in. There is so much gossip out there. There is gossip in our schools, workplaces, places that we volunteer in; there is even gossip in our churches, and in our church meetings. It seems like there is no limit to the places where gossip rests its' ugly head.
Gossip in Groups, Message Boards & Chat Rooms: These kinds of places usually consist of three kinds of people. In these places you have a handful of your normal or average people, a handful of non-participating people -- usually the listeners and the followers, and then you have a microscopic handful of gossipers, attention-seekers, and trouble-makers. Most the group or chat room are what you would consider okay while the microscopic handful of the rest are there for the sole purpose of bringing attention to themselves and at the same time finding a scapegoat for their own inadequacies, failures and personal problems. These are the kinds that begin the gossip and begin the trouble in these places.
How Do You Differentiate? If you just listen and observe for a while, you can see which persons consistently put people down, call people names, insult people and belittle people. These are the bullies in the groups and chat rooms and even in some message boards. Sometimes what happens is that you can have a friend (acquaintance) in these places that is part of the bullying and you never noticed that about them before. But if you read his messages or posts you will see that he is constantly calling someone names, or belittling them. This gossiper, troublemaker will do his best to make others in the group think that someone else is the problem. When in reality, the gossiper is the problem and the gossiper is the troublemaker. But you, being his friend, believe his gossip and begin to side with him. And that begins a roller coaster of many people in the group joining behind the gossiper thinking that the gossiper is the one who is correct in all his judgments. Wrong. It just seems that way. Appearances can be deceiving. And everything is not always as it seems.
Solutions? The solution to this simple problem is to examine the situation yourself, and make your own judgments rather than listening to anyone else's words about someone else or about some situation. If something happened and you want to know what really happened, then go right to the source, do not ask someone else what happened. For example, once there was a group and one person in the group began to say things about a group member. That group member chose to ignore the verbal attacker. What happened was that other group members saw the typing and the messages of the gossiper and they began to think that what the gossiper was saying was truth. (He would type sentences like, mary said this or mary wants this or that . As soon as you see a person typing like that in a group or chatroom, do not assume that what he is saying about Mary is true. On the other hand you can know that your friend (the one that typed about Mary) is a gossiper. Yes, that person is telling gossip, whether the statements are true or false, you are in the presence of someone who gossips. And know that once that person gossips about someone, they will surely gossip about you next. If you want to know what Mary is really like or what Mary said, indeed ask Mary. But do not ask her in the same room or message board that the gossiper has posted his attacks in. The solution to this very simple problem is to stop listening to gossip,period. Another solution is facing the gossiper and telling them that you do not want to hear about it anymore. Just tell them flat out that you do not listen to gossip. Now, that will shock him, as most people do not have the courage to say that to a person who habitually gossips. But you do have the courage, so bravo!
Gossipers are bullies: Did you wince at that? The bottom line is that gossipers and bullies are sometimes just as harmful to society. So forget the wincing and make it your decision to stop listening to the gossipers. The reason that gossipers are bullies is because the whole aim and goal of a bully is to control something. They want to control either a situation or a person or something in between, but they do want to control something. Most times they have lost control of their own situations, homes, families or even of their own self-control. And so they graduate from no self-control to trying to control others by bullying them. So, next time you see a gossiper, know that person is a bully and keep on walking by if you do not have the courage to confront that person with the truth. Your life will be less complicated and you will have more joy if you just stop listening to gossipers (bullies). When people begin talking about other people, they want you to think a certain way about them. If you think for yourself and use your own ears and own your own ears, you are one step ahead of the gossiper.
Making Your Own Decisions: When a person gossips about one or two individuals, instead of listening to the gossip, pause, and observe the person for yourself. You will learn more that way than you will learn by listening to some gossip from a bully. When you accept the bully's judgments and statements about people, then you give the bully power and you begin to alienate people around you. Why? Because as time passes, others will see that the bully was just trying to control people, and then you will be left standing there, on the outside of the circle because you listened to two-cents worth of gossip.
How to React To Gossip: You have many options and you have many ways that you can react to gossip. This is a short list of some of the ways that you have available to you right now:
- Have no reaction. That means do not validate what the bully is claiming or saying. Do not listen to the bully, praise the bully.
- Never repeat to anyone what the bully says. Never help spread the gossip. How would you feel if you were the victim of this bully? Do not participate in spreading gossip, stories, lies or even the truth. When spoken behind someone's back it is still gossip.
- Leave that message board or group or chat room and go to another one that does not accept nor promote gossip.
- Become friendly with Mary and that way you will see what Mary is truly like. You might be surprised if you find out that your friend was just spreading lies, or misinterpreting things to suit his own cause. So many times, others will paraphrase what you type and make it suit their purposes even though you never said any such thing. Again, that is the mission of the gossiper, to take control of others.
- Face the bully, face to face, and inform the bully that you know he is fibbing and or exaggerating and tell him that you will no longer believe anything he says because you cannot trust him. You can discuss it all out but in the end, you need to inform him that you will not listen to any of his gossip about anyone. Yes, about anyone. Sometimes you might be tempted to listen to gossip if it is about someone that you do not like. That is just joining the bully. Stay above that level. Do not join in with gossip or bullying. Rather, side on the side of what is right and good.
- Tell : Always tell someone if you have witnessed bullying. When you keep the bully's secret you are just as guilty as the bully is. Just tell someone in authority. Let bully's know that their secret is no longer a secret.
Thoughts that Help: These are ways that you can help stop gossipers and bullies. And these ways stop the gossip even if the gossiper is your friend or co-worker. If you can't seem to find the courage to avoid listening to gossip, you might try remembering that the Bible teaches us to avoid talking about people and to avoid harming our neighbors. In fact, the Bible says that we should love our neighbor as we love ourselves. Knowing that you probably love yourself, then you probably would think that you would love your neighbor Mary enough to refrain from spreading gossip about her. So even if you do not have the strength to come forward and face the bully, surely you have the strength to remember your faith in God. Once that you remember your faith in God and once you remember that God is stronger than any bully you will ever meet, then you too can do what is right. Even when it is hard to do what is right, you can do it. After all, wasn't it the Bible that clearly states, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me . So there you go, you have the strength to avoid spreading gossip and to avoid validating a bully, even if the bully was a friend of yours.Bullies Need Real Friends: Now, you do not want to totally isolate the bully or ignore him completely if he was a friend to you. If you feel that he has the capability to be sincere but perhaps just got out of bed on the wrong foot, perhaps you might talk with him about bullying and express your own feelings to him. If he is a reasonable person, he might listen. And then he might not. But just remember that perhaps he might need a friend too. Refrain from being his friend when he is in the process of bullying or gossiping. Tell him outright, that is gossiping and that is bullying and I want no part of you when you are doing that. Goodbye. He should get the message then and if he ever valued your friendship, he might refrain from being a bully just because he does not want to lose your friendship. Check this link about gossipers to get more information.
Learning About Yourself: I have learned about myself by writing this article. And what I realized is that I have gossiped myself without even realizing it. There was a time when I was speaking about someone, and felt free to speak about it because the topic was posted in an online group. At the time, I felt that was okay because it was posted. But now after reading my own words here on this screen, I realized how I must have sounded, repeating the gossip. Repeating stories or something that was posted online is still gossiping. It is all just not the right thing to do. And by writing this, I learn, or am reminded that it is so very easy to gossip about a person. Take any steps that you can take to safely, professionally stop gossip. Take that first step by not listening to it, and take the second step by not repeating it. Even if something is true, (like what was posted), it is still gossip if you repeat it. Gossip is spreading a story, item, fact or a lie, but the process of spreading it makes it gossip.
Leaving the Bully: If you must cut the friendship off because the bully just loves to bully people, then that is what you need to do for your life. Do what is right and good for you. Once you get the bullies and gossipers out of your life, you will have remarkably joyful, peaceful, creative and productive days and weeks ahead of you. You can do it. If only you would try, you can do it. I urge you to do only what is safe for you to do. Only you know what your real situation is and only you can decide which action or non-action you can take against a bully or gossiper. As always, only do what is completely safe for you to do. If you need help from a professional, call the operator and most likely he or she will refer you to someone who can help you. Remember that sometimes when you are ready to leave a bully or stop a friendship with a bully, they then might react to you and start to bully you. Perhaps that is why so many individuals are afraid of bullies. They think that if they back up the bully that leaves them protected from being bullied. But nothing is further from the truth. The truth is that friends and those closest to bullies are always targets when the bully looks around and gets bored. Even bullies get bored. Once they are bored with their original target, they will just move down on the food chain. Next? !
Facts!
One of the most important things that we need to know about bullies is that most times, and most likely, that bully is the biggest coward. Have you ever noticed that bullies always some a bunch of people with them or at least one other person when they gang up on someone or pick on someone? And have you noticed that when they are alone they do not assume their bullying role --unless they are bullying someone half their size or half their age? That alone should tell you that bullies are cowards and that strong people, emotionally and socially strong people, and people with normal or high self-esteem are not bullies.
Remember that the bully is a coward so do not even explain yourself to a bully. And always TELL! Yes, you heard me tell! Tell someone about the bully. They are cowards and someone needs to tell someone about them. It is ALWAYS okay to tell on a bully. And if the person that you tell does not listen to you or do something about it then you need to tell someone else and keep on telling until you make progress. Once the bullies are found out, the cowards usually go back into hiding.
Gossip Seems Harmless: In our society, people offend people in so many horrible ways that you have probably learned or thought that gossip is harmless. In a day and age when people are stabbing, shooting, and maiming one another, a little talk would seem harmless. But it is not. The pen is mightier than the sword. That old saying is tons of years old and yet still the truth. Ask any assassin of any peacemaker, the pen, the words live on, long after the body is dead. Martin, Abraham, John, Gandhi, all of their words live on throughout the whole world. Remembering that the pen is so much mightier than the sword might help you the next time that you are tempted to gossip about something or about someone. If you remember that the pen is mightier than the sword, then you will remember that your words of gossip can harm someone just as much as an attacker's fists. Refrain from all forms of gossip.
We, as a society, take gossip lightly because Hollywood and celebrities have tried to legitimize gossip. They glorify gossip and their fans around the world follow their pattern like the bunny rabbit follows the Captain around for that bunch of carrots. Gossip is not glorious, not pretty, not anything of value, and surely not Christian nor spiritual. This writing is a call to all Christians and to everyone who believes in any kind of God or spiritual faith, follow your leader and stop gossip in your own social circles. It is the right thing to do.
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